coincidence...I think not

First I just want to say thank you to all of my friends who responded to my post last night! Your answers were very helpful, and I found myself agreeing with all of them. I was pretty angry last night, but am feeling much better tonight.

Even though I really didn't want to, I sat down to do my bible study homework tonight, only to find that it spoke directly to my heart! I am sure this is not a coincidence. I'm on day 2, which is about change and Beth uses the equation Time + Conflict= Change. She explains that those two things together bring about change. David was in the middle of a war with Saul's house and as the war went on, David's army became stronger while Saul's became weaker. Beth explains that we are in the middle of our own battles all the time...and boy do I feel like I am in the middle of a battle. We battle evil, our own sinful nature, and the world. I sort of feel like I am battling all three at this particular moment in time. Anyway, she wrote about how we can come through time and conflict either weaker or stronger, and the only way to come out stronger is to lean on God. And I know she's right, and I am grateful for the reminder. I don't know what the future holds, but I am determined to come out of this battle stronger and changed for the better.

Tyler and I had a great discussion about faith tonight, and he pointed out something I didn't really want to admit, but was so true. I have been angry at God (especially these last few days/weeks) because I felt like He wasn't listening or answering our prayers. Well, first of all, a person only needs to read back a few blog posts and see what I wrote about all the ways God has been answering our prayers, which I conveniently forgot about the minute something else didn't go my way. And that's exactly the problem. I want things to go the way I want them to, when I want them to. As Tyler put it, I am a type A personality and I like to be in control and have everything planned out and then have everything go the way I planned it. And he's right. Sure, I have learned how to be more flexible (in some areas more than others). But when it comes down to it, I have been angry because God is not answering my prayers the way I think He should be answering them. But He is answering them, or at least most of them. And even though He isn't answering all of them, He is providing for our needs, which is the most important thing. I am learning not to be so bratty, and instead realize that I am not always going to get my way, but God is still there and will always meet our needs.

And so the battle wages on, but I will have faith in a God who loves me so much He sent His son to die for my sins, and I will cry out to Him and depend on Him wholeheartedly.

sins of the father

People have told me that they enjoy reading my blog because of how honest I am. Well, here is some honesty. My faith is in a very precarious state at the moment, and I have a question for anyone willing to answer. What did God mean when He said that the sins of the father will be passed down from generation to generation? Does it mean that no matter how hard I try to move past my past, to do the right thing, to be a good Christian, blah blah blah, that bad things will follow me wherever I go? And if so, then what's the point of me even trying? And I am being dead serious here! My grandma said it perfectly tonight when she said it seems like a cloud has been over our family this year, and that includes my brothers and all the crap they've had to deal with this year (although I will admit some of that is because of their own poor choices, not that it makes any easier for the rest of us to deal with).

I feel like we have had a REALLY crappy year, no, I know we have had a REALLY crappy year, that doesn't seem to be improving much. Just when it seems like things are getting better, or there is some hope of a new chapter starting, let's just say in the job arena for Tyler, for example, that hope just ends up getting crushed!! How many times can a person tolerate hope after hope being taken from them, door after door being slammed in their faces (and some MUCH more personal than others)???

Zachary has been our biggest blessing this year. Maybe that's all we can ask for. Although it would be nice to know how we are going to provide for him, but whatever.

I'm done!

Grief

Grief is an ugly thing! Today was a gorgeous day, and instead of enjoying it, I just felt sad all day. I kept wondering why, when things with Zachary have been going so well, and then I realized that it all goes back to my grandpa's death. I think there are a number of reasons why this is happening now. When my grandpa died, it was only 10 days after Zachary was born, and all my energy attention went into caring for him. I knew at the time that I could not cope with the emotions of this loss and care for him the way I felt I needed to. Then, things got crazy with Z's health, and all of my attention still went to him. Now that things are getting better, I guess it makes sense that all of those feelings that I've been pushing away are coming back to haunt me. I knew this was coming when I started crying at the gym because they were talking about Steve Jobs' death. And how I pretty much start crying for just about EVERYTHING lately. I also think that it all has something to do with the holidays coming and the fact that it was this month only last year that he was diagnosed with cancer.

I still can't believe that he's gone. I can't believe how fast everything happened.

As many of you know, my amazingly generous and loving grandparents took me in when I was 15. They saved me from a bad situation at home and became my legal guardians, taking on all that entailed. Paying for dance classes, trips with my friends, teaching me to drive, dealing with a teenager, paying for college, paying for me wedding, walking me down the aisle at my wedding...the list could go on and on and on forever if I tried to list all that they've done for me. The most important thing they did was show me what a loving marriage looked like and what it meant to be loved and cared for. They gave me a stable home and showed me unconditional love! They gave me a good glimpse of what Christ's love must be like for us.

My grandpa was a man of integrity, generosity, and humor. I admired him so much and knew I could always count on him to be there for me. He always gave me great advice, and he could always make me laugh, even when we were talking about his cancer. I never really thought he would die from this. Of course, the second I found out what type of cancer it was, I read everything I could online, and it did not look good. But then, after talking with him, I felt like he could beat it. I feel like everyone was really optimistic, and while I had times where I was incredibly worried, a small part of me just thought he would overcome this like he was fighting his Parkinsons and like he overcame having heart surgery. So, I just can't believe this happened.

The whole time I was pregnant I just kept thinking about when he would get to meet my baby. And as Zachary got older, he would throw Zachary in the pool, carry him on his shoulders, and call him one of the 3 Stooges. He would joke around with him, but also be someone he could call when he was feeling down or needed advice about something. We would all go to Disneyland together, just like they did with all of their grandchildren. But now he is gone, and my heart is broken.

My grandpa was more than my grandpa, he was the earthly father I needed. And now all this grief is coming up, as if it just happened yesterday and I still don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to grieve and keep being a mom and wife, when all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry my eyes out. This is just so yucky!

Community

I have always known that community is important. In high school, we helped the elderly in our community. In college I became a part of a community of freshmen, of college students, of Christians, of girls who liked to crochet (and do other things =)), etc. Then Tyler and I got married and realized that we needed to join a church community, which we found in River West. While it took us a while to get truly plugged in, we are happy that we did!

While I've always known how important community is, this became all the more clear when we had a baby. Here is how we have been IMMENSELY blessed through the community of our church, family, and friends:
* On three separate occasions we had meals planned and brought to us for at least a month at a time, each time! This was so helpful that I have committed to always bringing meals to families that just had babies, are dealing with a death or an illness in the family, or are just having a hard time in general!!
* We have had people send us money and gift cards, which is humbling, but was also needed and so appreciated! I don't know how we would have paid all of Z's medical bills, let alone our regular bills, without those generous people!
* We belong to an amazing community group through our church, who have been there with us through all of our different hardships and blessings this year, and have been praying for and encouraging us the entire time!! I don't know how we would have made it through this year without each of those wonderful people!
* Another community group in our church put together seven bins, each full of books and toys, and purchased a gift card for groceries for us! They knew that our sweet boy can be difficult during feedings (although that's getting better) and so they put together the bins, one for each day of the week so that he has things to entertain him that are different from our usual antics. The bins and the grocery card have been a huge help to us! Zachary just loves all the toys and books!
* We have had people reach out to us to listen and offer support, which is huge and so needed! I especially have really needed people to talk with, people who have either gone through something similar, or even just had some sort of health problems that they had to deal with. Complete strangers have reached out to me to listen, to offer advice, and encouragement and prayer! I probably would have fallen into an even darker place than I was, had I not had those amazing women to talk with!
* We have been treated to date nights and people offering to babysit. Our family especially has babysat numerous times, a fair amount of those times dealing with a baby who screamed the ENTIRE time. And they keep coming back for more!! Again, don't know what we would do without them!
* And to top it all off, we have had an OVERWHELMING number of people praying for us! I actually can't even fathom the number of people, which is amazing to me! This is the most important one of all, because I truly believe that the Lord orchestrated all of the above things!

This all just brings me to tears! I mean, yeah, we've had a hard time, and yeah, I still have crappy days and days where it is hard for me to see all these blessings. But when I re-read what I just wrote, I am so overwhelmed with God's love for me and my family!

When I look at this list, and think about all of the MANY times in the past that the Lord has protected me and provided for me, it is easy to rest in Him and know that all is going to be well. God created us to be relational beings and to be a part of communities! If you aren't a part of one, I highly recommend finding one to join! You will be so glad you did =).

Update

So the good news is that Zachary is still keeping his food down, which we are obviously thrilled about. The other news (apparently not bad) is that he has not gained any weight since we made the changes to his diet. I was bummed by this, but the occupational therapist at the feeding clinic at Doernbecher (who we saw today) said not to worry, that it is good he hasn't lost weight and he still looks good on the growth curve, which sort of starts to even out instead of the incline we have been on. So, I am trying not to freak out about it. Interestingly enough, today is the day that Tyler and I had already decided to increase each feeding by half an oz to see how well he would tolerate it. So far so good! Which means we will be getting more calories in, so hopefully he will start to gain again.

The purpose of our appointment today was to try and find out how to help Zachary eat because he hasn't been terribly interested. The occupational therapist brought in a few different types of foods that we hadn't tried yet, like yogurt, berry applesauce, blended peaches (different than baby food), and graham crackers. Zachary actually ate more than he has ever eaten for us, which was very exciting. However, the OT noticed the same gagging that we noticed after he has swallowed a few bites, and said that she thinks we need to do a swallow study so we can really see what's going on. It could be just a sensitivity thing, or it could be something else. In order for us to best help him, we need to know what is truly going on. So, he is scheduled for a swallow study on Nov. 22, and then we will meet with the whole feeding clinic/developmental team to discuss the findings and what our next steps will be.

We really like the OT that we are working with up there and are hopeful that she will be able to help get Zachary eating more and more by mouth! I am trusting that the Lord will continue to heal Z and give the team wisdom on how best to help our precious boy! As more and more of his personality is shining through, I am just SO excited to see what God has planned for him!

Perspective

Zachary has been doing amazing this last week and half, since we switched his formula back to Similac Sensitive. I am so grateful that he is not vomiting anymore (well only every once in a while)! So maybe it's because he is doing better, but I have recently been able to really put our lives and his health into perspective and I just have to say, I have never felt more blessed!

Yes, vomiting sucks, and of course, I wish Zachary would eat by mouth (which I think will come along with time), but in reality, those are small things compared to what we could be dealing with. I have had several people share stories with me of different children and their health problems, and I am just amazed at their strength and ability to deal with it. For some reason, this last week, it just all became clear to me how lucky we are to have our sweet baby boy and that these things we are dealing with will go away. I know that the Lord is continuing to heal him, which just makes me even more grateful!! I believe that God is going to do amazing things through our sweet boy and I can't wait to see what they are! My heart is completely full right now, and I have the Lord to thank!

Healing

I'm not really sure how to start this blog entry. The subject of healing is something I have recently felt heavily put on my heart to blog about. However, I feel like I am lacking in faith and really should not be blogging about this topic, especially because I am feeling conflicted about it. I guess I'll just start.

I believe that God has healed and is continuing to heal Zachary! I believe He has healed him from whatever was causing the excessive vomiting, and He is continuing to heal his feeding issues and his heart. There are several events that led to me believing this and then feeling led to actually say that I believe God healed him, which I strongly do, but which is also scary for me to say to the world (I'll explain why later).

Here's what happened this last week. As you know, the GI doctor had us start Z on terrible formula that made him vomit all the time. What I didn't write about was how I was connected with three amazing women this last week, two of whom spoke to me about healing. One in particular shared some amazing stories about her son and daughter being healed and the power that God has to heal. She gave me some interesting things to think about, and she prayed for Zachary while we were on the phone, and told me she would continue to pray for him. Now, since I am a Christian, I know that God can and does heal people. There are numerous accounts of it in the Bible, and I have heard many miraculous stories about loved ones being healed. I have obviously been praying the God would heal Zachary, but not in a "I know you actually can do this" kind of way, if that makes any sense. I guess I was praying and hoping that He would heal him, but not actually thinking He would. I wasn't doing this consciously, and it wasn't until after that conversation on the phone that I realized it. Anyway, the next thing that happened is that some of our best friends from college were here visiting and we got to spend an afternoon/evening with them. These friends happened to just have had a healing service at the church the week before they came, so we were able to talk about it just a little bit, which just fueled my thoughts about healing. After I finished his last feeding while we were there, our friends mom (who is just so wonderful!!!) offered to rock Z for a while, and the whole time she was rocking she was praying over him. He was screaming terribly (separation anxiety), so we decided it was probably time to head home, and all of our friends and their family came in and prayed over Z and us. Zachary did not vomit after that last feeding, which is remarkable because usually even just a little fussiness can cause him to vomit.

Saturday came around and we were still giving the formula a try, until he puked up every meal he had that day and Tyler and had just had it and went back to the similac sensitive, which I think I wrote about in my last post. He has not been vomiting like he was (he did once yesterday, none today). The GI doctor called me on Monday night and wanted to know how she could help. I told her we didn't need her to do anything because we stopped the neocate and put him back on similac sensitive (skipping the Alimentum entirely) and he has basically stopped vomiting. To which she replied, "Well I can't explain that. It's actually really dangerous to put a baby who is vomiting that much on similac sensitive." Now, I have no idea why it could have been dangerous when he was already vomiting up every meal anyway, but whatever. That statement just made me think even more that God healed him. I mean, we had him on similac senstive before and he was vomiting, so I don't see why now he would all of a sudden stop vomiting when we put him back on it. I believe God fixed whatever problem he was having.

Now here's what is hard for me about healing and why it is hard for me to have faith in healing...God did not heal my grandpa. I am really struggling with this and I would say I am definitely a little angry about it. I mean why didn't He? He could have, and I know that, but He didn't. And I think about other people who are suffering from various illnesses or who have lost loved ones as well, and I wonder, why not heal them?

And I didn't want to blog about this because then I started thinking, "well what if God didn't heal him, and he starts vomiting again tomorrow?" Then people will think I am crazy, or worse, I fear that they will start to doubt God because I said something and then it ended up not being true. Oh my gosh, I could round and round with this, but ultimately, I decided to go with my gut, and after prayer, decided that I do believe God has healed Zachary and that I should share those thoughts. I don't know what it means if he starts vomiting again, but I'm not going to go there until/if he does. But I know this, Satan doesn't want to us to believe God can and does heal, and he certainly doesn't want us to share when God does those things in our lives, which is where I believe all the doubts come into play. And as far as why God didn't heal my grandpa, I will probably never know, and that is just something I am going to have to learn to accept. God is so much bigger than me, and has done so much for me, who am I to even ask Him why He does or doesn't do something? God sees the whole picture, while I only see a tiny fragment, so I am going to trust Him and believe in Him and the good He does in our lives. God loves me and my family, just as I know He loved my grandpa. So I am going to try and find peace in knowing that my grandpa is in a better place, where there is no suffering, and be thankful for the healing He is doing in my son's life.

If any of this is just out of line, or doesn't make sense, please feel free to email me or call me or something. I guess I'm just trying to hash out all of my feelings about the subject, and if anyone has insight into the subject, I am all ears (or eyes) =).

Monumental

We are about to embark on a monumental moment...Tonight, for the FIRST TIME EVER since Zachary's arrival, we are going to attempt to sleep through the night and eliminate the middle of the night feeding!!! This is HUGE! I mean, we have been SO exhausted and seriously felt like this may just be how it is the REST of our lives. But alas, today, finally, Z kept in enough of his food that we feel comfortable eliminating that feeding.

Here's a quick update on what this last week has been like for us...vomiting, vomiting, and more vomiting. Yes, we have been dealing with vomiting for the last 5 months or so, but not at every feeding, and certainly not in the middle of the night, as we had the luxury of dealing with almost every night this last week. I called the GI doctor twice because I felt pretty certain that this new formula-neocate-was causing all this vomiting, since it started when we started the formula. I mean, I'm no rocket scientist, or doctor, but really, it doesn't take either of those to put two and two together. Anyway, the doctor told us to stick with it for 3-4 weeks and that it was most likely not the formula because apparently neocate is the LEAST likely to make any baby vomit. Well doctor, Zachary is not just any baby. But I listened to her and we stuck with it for the remainder of the week, only to see no change in the amount of vomiting, other than it possibly getting worse. On Friday I called again and left a message, and while I was waiting for a call back, I took Zachary to the pediatrician for a weight check. Sure enough, he had lost weight. Granted it was only .5 oz, he still lost weight, which has NEVER happened. He has been a slow gainer at times, but always gained, even with the vomiting that was happening on a regular basis. SO, the fact that he lost .5oz made me really mad and gave me the information I needed to say we were done with neocate (the supposed magical formula). The nurse called me back on Friday afternoon (only after I called again and left a message informing them of his weight loss) and explained that I should STILL stay with it and that maybe we should try a continuous drip, meaning Z would be hooked up to that $&^# pump 24 hours a day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? NO!!! Tyler and I refuse to do that, and I don't believe it would have made any difference since it didn't matter if we ran his feed for 45 minutes or 90 minutes (which yes we did try), he still vomited.

After that conversation, we said we would still stick with the neocate, until the next day was just so HORRIBLE that we said no more. We decided to go back to the Similac Sensitive because we didn't think we had anything to lose. We mixed it at a lower calorie concentration then what we were doing before bc I had a feeling that the concentration could have been upsetting his stomach, and whatta ya know, he has only throw up twice today, and they were small amounts compared to what he was doing. HOOORAAAYY!! Although I am trying not to get too excited because there is no guarantee that this will keep, as we have had days like this before. But I am hopeful that it will work.

And now we are going to change GI doctors, and we are looking for a naturopath since we kind of feel like traditional doctors have not done a whole lot for Zachary. But this is how we came to tonight, having successfully gotten in the amount that he needs and about to venture into this thing called a full nights sleep that we've heard of from many different people, but never experienced once we became parents. We are a little worried about the calories, but will have a better idea of how this is going when we see the cardiologist Wednesday.

I have had a few different conversations with people about healing this last week, and had people praying specifically for healing. I believe God IS going to heal Zachary, just in His timing. If you are a believer, your prayers are appreciated. Happy sleeping everyone! (I guess this update wasn't as quick as I thought it was going to be. Oops.)

Emotional Roller Coaster

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please don't judge.

I am a serious roller coaster these days! Z has still been vomiting about twice a day, which really sucks!! And Tyler and I are just tired and really want to get rid of the 2:30 am feeding, but we can't do that until Z is taking in enough calories in the day, which he is obviously not since he vomits at least 2 of his meals. And here's the thing with the vomiting...yes it sucks to have to watch him vomit, then clean him up (and usually one of us and anything around him), but what's really annoying is that we then have to re-feed him at least something. I know, I sound terrible that I am annoyed at having to re-feed him, but when it takes 45 minutes for his food to go in and we have to keep him entertained to try and avoid upset and vomiting, plus wait 30 minutes before changing his diaper since he usually poops while we are feeding him, the thought of having to sit through an additional round just does not sound like fun. Honestly, I have come to DREAD feeding him! I dread all things related to feeding him. (I wish I had that problem when it came to feeding myself...maybe then I'd be able to lose a few pounds.) But seriously I just hate this! So Tyler and I have been trying to figure out ways to change the amounts we feed him at each feeding to try and eliminate vomiting, which most likely means adding another feeding to the day...yippee. AHHHH...I mean what kind of mother am I, that I don't want to feed my child!?!

I've just been feeling so angry lately, at the whole situation! And all I want to do is cry about it! I have all kinds of horrible thoughts about being a mother and how I hate it, but then I think about all the people who can't have kids, who have had miscarriages, or have lost their precious babies after they were born and I become completely riddled with guilt and love for my little one all at the same time! In those moments, I just want to kick myself for ever wishing he wasn't around (and yes, I have wished that a time or two.) But I love him so much that it hurts at the same time. Talk about conflicting emotions!

Anyway, in the midst of my inner turmoil and anger, two things happened this week. First, at bible study on Tuesday, Beth Moore was talking about how each of us has an assignment from God. I realized instantly that my assignment right now is to take care of Zachary, which includes going to doctor appointments, feeding him, and cleaning up vomit. But it also includes just loving and spending time with him. This was further solidified when, after witnessing Z vomit, two friends prayed for him and Tyler and I, and in that prayer, one of them mentioned how this is my assignment and that God chose me for it. Now, I know God would not choose me for something that He knew I was going to fail at. So, while I may not have chosen this particular assignment (well not all of it), nevertheless, I have been chosen to be Zachary's mother and all that it entails, so I will try my best to do so with joy. The second thing that happened was a friend shared with me a few days/weeks ( I can't remember when) ago that the song Blessed Be Your Name was a song that she really held onto when she was going through a hard time and she suggested I look it up if I haven't heard it in a while, which I hadn't, but I didn't look it up at the time. Then I heard it on the radio the other day and I totally started crying. The lyrics that really got me were:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Ultimately, I know that things really suck right now! But I also know that the Lord is with me through this, and I do still need to praise Him, even when I don't feel like it. He has brought me through A LOT of other stuff in my life, and I KNOW He will bring me through this too! So I will praise Him, even though I feel like the darkness has closed in on us! I just need a little help sometimes, or a lot of times. Yes, I'm still angry and sad, but I will hold onto that verse "I can do all things through Christ strengthens me" (I can't think of where that verse is right now) and I will praise the Lord who will bring us through this dark time.

underestimated

Alright, so I may have underestimated the ability of the GI doctor to know how to help Z. We have slowed his feeds down so they now take 45 minutes instead of 30, and although he did throw up tonight, it was the first time since Tuesday night. He went almost 2 whole days without throwing up, which we haven't had in a while. I think I was just so frustrated that there wasn't more of an explanation for his vomiting. Maybe his stomach emptying too slowly is the problem. She ordered a test to be done so we can see how quickly (or slowly) his stomach empties and then I think from there we may have more options. I don't know.
Anyway, she also gave us a website called www.gastrokids.org to visit and I checked it out the other night and learned a few things. It has good information about reflux vs. GERD (gastro esophageal reflux disease), which I had always assumed were basically the same thing. This is NOT the case. As I was reading, I started to realize that Zachary does not just have REALLY bad reflux, as everyone has told us. He actually has GERD. Here are the symptoms of pediatric GERD: poor feeding (check), vomiting (check), coughing (check), poor growth (check), irritability (check), and breathing problems (no, thank goodness). It said that spitting up crosses the line to GERD when a baby has refusal to feed, poor weight gain, breathing problems, and others. I just really believe that Z is dealing with GERD and not reflux.
Here's the thing about this new bit of knowledge, it doesn't change anything but the way I am thinking about things. The treatment is basically the same as what we are doing now, but now I have a name for what he is going through, other than reflux. It's a small thing, but honestly, I just couldn't accept reflux as the cause. I know SO many people whose babies had reflux and they didn't have to deal with ANY of these issues! I couldn't stand it!!! And people would ask what's wrong and I would say, "He just has really bad reflux" and they would just be shocked that it could lead to a feeding tube and failure to thrive, etc. etc.
I'm annoyed that NO ONE mentioned that he may have GERD! I'm sure to doctors it's all the same or something, but to a mom who wants to get to the bottom of what is happening with my baby, it is NOT the same!
So anyway, it doesn't really change anything, but somehow it's a little easier to swallow and have some peace that there is a reason for his vomiting and not wanting to eat. Now I just hope that what the GI doctor recommended continues to work and we can get this under control finally!
So I guess the GI doctor wasn't all bad :). I think I just have a bad attitude about doctors in general these days-other than Z's pediatricians, who I really like. But it turns out the doctors do know some stuff :), so I shouldn't just write them off from the get go.

Defeated

I am feeling really defeated today! I've been on the verge of tears all day for some reason, and now I just can't stop them. It seems like Z has been throwing up more again lately, for some unknown reason. I was hoping so much that when we went to the GI doctor today that she would give us some answers about why he's throwing up and why he's so fussy when we feed him. Instead she basically just told us to try and extend his feedings so that they take an hour all the way up to 90 minutes as opposed to the 30 minutes they've been taking. Let me just tell you that so far, this has NOT worked. He's thrown up both of his feedings since we got home from the doctor. I don't think it is going to work and the thought that instead of just dealing with a fussy baby for 30 minutes at each feeding, having to sit with him for up to 90 minutes of each feeding sounds horrible. He is clearly uncomfortable, which she said could be because the food isn't emptying out of his stomach fast enough, which could be related to the G tube. When I tried explaining that he was throwing up before he got the G tube, she didn't really say anything. She also recommended switching formula again to an even more expensive kind, which if our insurance doesn't cover it, we won't be doing since it costs $500/mo.
I just feel like we keep going to see specialist after specialist and none of them know what they're talking about or can give us an answer for why this is happening! I just want my baby to be healthy!!! He's also only gained a pound since August 30, which is alarming! I don't really understand what is going on! And he won't eat solids! I keep thinking, "Oh, surely this is the answer...this is going to work" only to get my hopes up! It makes me want to have no hope at all and then I don't have to be disappointed. But I know that is not what God wants for me. I know God answers prayers and He hears mine. And I also know that He is watching over Z and us. But tonight I just feel defeated.

An answer to prayer

I know this is going to sound weird, but I am really glad that I got laid off. Don't get me wrong, I loved my teaching job!! I worked for a great principal with great co-workers and I loved my students and their parents!! That said, I have always sort of felt like I wasn't made to work, because no matter how much I enjoyed teaching, or any other job, I enjoyed even more setting my own schedule and filling my day with social activities or nothing at all, but it was up to me what I did or didn't do each day and I loved that! I also always envisioned myself being a stay at home mom, going to mommy groups and playdates, or just leisurely enjoying the day with my baby. I would have a nice schedule set and my baby would just follow it so that I would still be in control of my day. I imagined some sort of maternal bliss where everything was just wonderful and happy and fun.

I don't know what land I was living in, but clearly it was not reality. Those of you who have been following my blog or have had conversations with us about Zachary know that maternal bliss is not exactly what I've had going on. In fact, there have been several times where I thought that I was desperate to go back to work and would take a job anywhere and Tyler would stay home with Z (I actually just told Tyler this the other day. Of course, I didn't mean it because I can't stand the thought of leaving Z everyday for 8 hours a day!) Instead of days at the park and zoo, we spent days in the doctors' offices and hospital. Or I spent days dealing with throw up and a baby who screamed anytime I tried to feed him. I tried to join a mom's group, but so many doctors appointments interfered and then I just got to the point where I was afraid to go anywhere for fear of Z screaming and throwing up all over the place.

All that said, I LOVE that I am staying home with him and hope it is something that I am able to continue. Before I got laid off, I prayed that God would give me a clear answer about what I was supposed to do this year. We already knew that he was having some health problems, but I felt like it was really irresponsible to give up a teaching job in this economy. SO, I literally prayed that God would make it extremely clear to me so that there could be no doubt because it just wasn't a decision I could make. Then I got laid off. I definitely think it was an answer to my prayer. When I got the call, I had an overwhelming sense of peace and certainty that He was going to provide for us (which He has, although not exactly how I thought He would). And yes, that certainty has wavered, especially when Tyler's job ended and sometimes now knowing he still hasn't found a new job. But I just have to remember that the Lord has a plan in all of this and He has yet to leave us hanging!! And I have to remember what I prayed and how it was answered!

In addition to the fact that I prayed something specific and got a specific answer, because I was laid off I have the opportunity to join my church's womens' bible study, which I have always wanted to join because I have heard such amazing things about it, and it is everything I thought it would be!! I truly feel like I am supposed to be in this study this year! AND, I have the opportunity to join Sprouts (like MOPS) at my church, which is also amazing!! AND Zachary is doing SO much better, and while we aren't out of the woods yet, things are starting to become a sort of normal for us! Some of my dreams about motherhood are starting to come true! We are having fun together, I am a part of the bible study, Sprouts, and a mom's group. I have been getting the opportunity to meet some amazing women who I just know are going to be an integral part of my faith journey and my journey into motherhood!

I have so much fun with my sweet baby boy and I just love him to pieces!! While our days are anything but leisurely and they definitely aren't set to what I want to do or don't want to do each day, I can't imagine spending my days doing anything else. By answering my prayer about work, God also answered prayer about other things as well. Things I didn't even know I needed at the time that first prayer was answered! Our God is so amazing and I am feeling incredibly blessed! I know that I may have to go back to work at some point, and if that's the case, I know that the Lord will prepare me for that, but for this season in our lives, I think I'm exactly where I need to be.

A new outlook

I had the wonderful opportunity to get away for a few nights by myself, thanks to my loving husband and American Express reward points =). It was such a blessing to be able to take the time by myself, which before I don't think I have EVER craved in the way I've been craving it these last few months. I am not a person who likes to be alone for long periods of time, especially a whole night, let alone 2, so it's saying something when I want to get away for two nights! I would say I was actually desperate to get away and just have some time with myself and with the Lord, who I have not been spending enough time with lately.

My faith has been tested like never before this last year (really the last 6 months) and there were quite I few times where I actually thought I might just walk away from it all together. I felt so angry with God for not coming to my rescue from all this pain-for not saving my grandpa, providing a job for Tyler, healing Zachary, allowing the sale of our home to go through...you get the picture. I've been so angry and yet at the same I always knew that He was providing for us-people brought us meals, listened to us, cried with us, hugged us, gave us money, gave of their time so we could sleep, eat, or just have a few hours away. For some reason, probably because I wasn't ever really letting Him in, those things He was doing for us, weren't making the connection to my heart all the time. I still kept wondering why He wasn't taking care of the BIG problems in our lives and when/if He was going to get around to it.
Now I don't have the answer to that question, but I do feel more connected to Him and not so concerned with the why or the when. It happened to work out perfectly that I had joined a Women's Bible study through my church and we had our first lesson the day I left for the beach. I was really excited to go because even though I have been angry with the Lord, I've also been longing for Him. I needed to find a way to let Him in again. Sure enough, this bible study is the answer.

First of all, we are studying David, which happens to be my grandpa's name, and I know that probably doesn't really mean anything, but I feel like I was meant to join this bible study this year! I didn't have any huge revelations or anything but was reminded of some important things I already knew. 1 Samuel 14:6 says " Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving whether by many or by few." The part of this verse that really got me was the NOTHING CAN HINDER THE LORD. Beth Moore talks about how nothing can hinder the Lord, but He chooses based on His sovereignty. This was powerful to me for some reason. I guess I just needed to remember that the Lord is Sovereign and while I may not understand why he chooses to act or not to act, I still can know that He is all powerful and believe that He knows best for me, and somehow that brings me comfort. The other thing that really stood out to me was that I need to be wearing the armor of God. I have not been arming myself against anything, nor have I been trusting that the Lord is leading the way and if I only follow Him, I will be okay. I need to have faith in the Lord. Believing that the Lord is all powerful and that He is leading the way and I just need to follow Him has brought me a lot of peace. I no longer feel the burden of having to figure everything out. I can rest in knowing that God is with me!!

I hope this all makes sense. We were supposed to read 1 Samuel 14:1-23, if you want to read it. It's a great passage!

A few things

I have just a few things to say tonight.

1. The feeding clinic gave us the okay to start Z on solids...YAAY! We started with bananas because they are high in calories which is what he needs, but he's not too fond of them yet. It has only been a few days so I'm trying not to worry, but prayer would be appreciated about him eating solids. Please pray he will want to eat and enjoy it so he'll continue eating! I'm anxious that he's not going to want to eat solids and then I have no idea what we will do.

2. Z seems to be having better days each day that goes by-other than some teething pain. We are having more fun with him and he just seems happier and more comfortable, which is GREAT to see!! He has been mostly vomit free...he did throw up twice the other day when he got so worked up crying and he also threw up tonight for some unknown reason. I'm hoping that it doesn't mean the vomiting is going to start up again! The GI doctor started him on this medicine called carafate, which he hates, and I'm wondering if it's because of that. I guess I'll give it a few days and see how it all goes. Prayers are appreciated in this area as well!

3. Z's new formula smells like rotten macaroni, or at least what I would assume rotten macaroni would smell like! Gross...especially when he spits it up on you or burps in your face! But it seems to be working better for him so I'll take it! Just know that I warned you if you come over and smell something funky! =)

One last thing...Tyler had a phone interview today for a job he thinks he'd enjoy, so please pray that he'll get it if it's the right job for him and where God wants him.

Blessed and Rejuvenated

This week Tyler was hired by Building Champions to shoot video at their Experience event in Suncadia, WA. Zachary and I were invited to come along and initially I was really excited. Then, after Z's surgery and all the pain and vomiting, I was really apprehensive about going. Z hasn't always done very well when we've been in a different place, and with everything else going on with him I thought it was for sure going to be a nightmare. Especially because I knew Tyler was going to be gone all day working. So, I almost said we weren't going to go and I was just going to bribe a friend to come stay with us for the week, but Tyler convinced me I should come.

All I can say is that I am glad he did! I feel SO blessed and rejuvenated after this week...the complete opposite of how I thought I would feel. First of all, the BC (Building Champions...or Ashlynn's binky) staff and family were so welcoming and loving and encouraging. I can't be around them and not feel good! I got to spend a lot of time with my friend Alli and her beautiful daughter Ashlynn, which was wonderful! Then I was spoiled by Daniel and Sheri as they first treated me to a 50 minute relaxation massage at the lodge where the event was, which was FABULOUS and SO needed, and THEN they arranged a date night for Tyler and I and they treated us to an awesome dinner where I feel like we got the VIP treatment, while Alli, Ryan, Jessica, and Melanie watched Zachary for us! It was so great and such a nice treat!!!

I came away from this week being immensely reminded of God's love through the actions and words of everyone around me! I actually am getting a little choked up as I think about how much everyone loved on us. It was such a huge blessing and something I really needed right now!

Additionally, we have THREE, yes THREE days with NO VOMITING!!! Z's doctor put him on a new plan for feeding and meds, per the GI doctor at Doernbecher, literally as we were headed off to Suncadia. We started this new plan on Tuesday and Wednesday was the last day he threw up! He is taking Nystatin for a week to heal his esophagus and we switched his formula to Similac Alimentum, which is hypoallergenic and I think that has made a huge difference-which the GI doctor thought it would! Then next week we will start him on a different medication to coat his stomach and make it tolerate food even better! All I can say is I am SOOOO happy that he is doing better. We have also gotten him off all pain meds other than Tylenol occasionally, which seems to be more for teething than anything!

So, keep praying because it is working!!! And thank you everyone at Building Champions, Alli, and everyone who signed up to bring us meals after Z's surgery! We are so blessed and thankful!!

Little Things

It's the little things that bring me peace these days. After having just moved and my baby just having surgery, my life feels chaotic and out of control. Little things like putting a sharpie in a drawer, throwing a piece of paper away, and opening a box make me happy these days.

Zachary spent the day vomiting and screaming EVERY time we tried to feed him, which was not fun! So after a day where he threw up all day and we used the last of our stockpile of burp rags, I found myself feeling at ease when I opened up the dryer and started folding the burp rags we had just washed! I was SO happy that they were clean and that I wouldn't have to worry about what we were going to use the next time he throws up. Am I sick or what?! I'll take the happiness and peace where I can get it! =)

Thankful

Tonight I am thankful! I am thankful for the family and friends that Tyler and I have been blessed with. Today was a really bad day, mainly because last night we didn't get any sleep and ended up calling the nurse advice line at around 3:45 because of Zachary's G tube making weird noises and him being incredibly fussy all night. It ended up being nothing for us to worry about it...too bad we found out so late-or should I say early? Anyway, I don't do well when I don't get enough sleep (which these days qualifies as around 4-5 hours). So, I was really depressed today and just feeling on the brink all day.

Then my mother and father-in-law invited us over for some pizza. We went over after feeding Z and Jerry (my father-in-law) was holding Z him when I noticed that his shirt was wet around where Z was pressed against him. I asked him to pull him back and we saw that Z was all wet and when I opened his onesie we found that he was leaking food from the spot where the G tube was inserted into his stomach. Naturally this freaked all of us out, so I called the advice line yet again (they probably know the sound of my voice by now) and we prepared for what we thought would be a trip to the emergency room. All the while I just kept thinking "REALLY?!!??" and I was actually laughing about it because that was all I could do to keep it together. Thankfully, the on-call surgeon-who happened to be the surgeon who put in Z's feeding tube-said that some food leakage is normal (no one mentioned this at the hospital) and for us to monitor him and the amount he was leaking over night, but that we did not need to go to the emergency room. Doctors kill me because they say things like "some leakage is normal, we just don't want too much". Well what is too much?? When I posed this question, they then said to just make sure it's not gushing out of him, only leaking. Whatever. I am just THANKFUL that we did not have to go to the ER and that since we got home and I fed him at 10:15, he has not been leaking anymore food and has been calm and asleep! I'm THANKFUL for my in-laws and how encouraging and supportive they are! And I am THANKFUL for all of you who have been praying and encouraging and SO generous with your time and money!!!! We are feeling very blessed right now! The Lord is really showing us how He is providing for us in ways we never expected! Thank you!

jinxed

I'm sitting here debating with myself about how much to put in this post. How honest should I be about how I'm feeling? I'm thinking I'll just let it flow. Sorry.

First I just want to say that I was extremely touched by some of the encouraging messages I received from different people over the past two days! I didn't realize how many people cared! And also how generous people are! So thank you for your messages and generosity...you all know who you are!

Now onto the ugly feelings! Well, it looks like I jinxed us after all. Z spent the day vomiting off and on and now doesn't want to sleep tonight. I feel like as soon as I get hopeful about something getting better, it doesn't get better. It either goes back to the way it was or gets worse. I am so sad! And I'm also mad! How long are we going to be in this tailspin? How much more is going to happen? Why can't just ONE thing go our way and get better? This feels never-ending and while I "know" that God is going to provide for us and pull us through, my heart feels devoid of Him and does not "know" this truth. This sucks!! I'd like to crawl in a cave and hibernate now.

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Superstitious

There is something about having baby that has made me very superstitious! Like when he finally goes down to sleep, Tyler and I say to each other "Don't move or breathe and he won't wake up!" When we used to put him down at night, we each had our own way of carefully placing him in the bassinet, pausing, turning three times, walking out backwards, holding our breath, patting him once on the head, etc. just so that he would stay asleep. It was quite comical, and yet, we did it every time because we hoped that it would work.

I can't believe I dare write about this, for fear of jinxing us, but yesterday we had our first 24 hour period of NO VOMITING! Now, after the first feeding that he didn't vomit, I noticed it, obviously, but of course did not want to acknowledge it out loud for fear that he would then immediately vomit. Shortly after that first feeding, Tyler made a comment about how he was still wearing the same outfit, which was remarkable, and then I knocked on wood to ensure that he wouldn't vomit. The rest of the feedings came and went with no vomiting, and I refused to say anything out loud about it until we put him down for the night. Then Tyler and I discussed this miraculous day of no vomiting, followed by more knocking on wood.

And this morning, still no vomiting...and more knocking on wood as Tyler made a comment about it! Don't worry, we have remembered what outfit he wore yesterday so that if he does start vomiting again, we can put him in it, since obviously that must have helped. Who knew that we would be knocking on wood, holding our breath, and remembering outfits so much after having a baby?!

***Just before I posted this he did spit up on me! But at least it was not one of his vomiting episodes! Better post this now before something else happens!!

Pity Party Time

Well, I have decided to start blogging again. Mostly because I am hoping it will be therapeutic for me, but I also figure this way people can really know what's going on in our lives and who knows, maybe it will even be helpful to someone else. My goal is to write a post everyday...we'll see how that turns out. I will be wearing my heart completely on my sleeve, which means a lot of my posts these days may be pity partyesque, sorry.

As you can see from the title, this is not going to be an uplifting post. You have been doubly warned.

I'm not quite sure how to sum up this last year, other than to say we've been mostly on the downward turn of a roller coaster, with the occasional rise here and there. In order to not write a LONG post that could turn into a novel, I'm just going to bullet point the things that have been going on-starting at the very beginning of this insane roller coaster ride-and maybe whine a little at the end.

* September 2008-I got hired teaching 2nd grade at an AWESOME school.
* November 2008-Tyler got laid off from probably the BEST company he'll ever work for, due to CRAPPY economy.
* Ty looked for new job for over year, with a little blip of a job in between (lasted about 2 months).
* December 2009-Tyler got hired as a temp for an online high school doing inventory management. (Good other than the fact that they kept him as a temp for 1.5 years which meant no benefits, no raises, no promotions, no PTO...you get the picture)
* June 2010-we decided to try and short sale our 1 bedroom condo after doing the math and realizing it would take us at least 5 years to break even on our home IF the economy turned around right then-which obviously it HAS NOT!
* July 2010-found out we were pregnant with our first baby, due March 21, 2011.
* November 2010-found out my grandpa (who was like a father to me) had an extremely aggressive lung cancer.
* February 2011-doctors realized that our baby was not growing anymore and couldn't figure out why. He was in the 24th percentile of size, so doctors weren't super worried yet. Started weekly monitoring and ultrasounds.

Now, I just want to say that here is where things get crazy!

* March 2, 2011-At my ultrasound first thing that morning, the doctor found that Zachary had dropped to the 9th percentile and recommended we get him out immediately, or run the risk of him being born stillborn. SCARY!
* Thursday, March 3, 2011-Our sweet baby boy was born, completely healthy, just a little skinny. Such an amazing blessing!!
* Sunday, March 6, 2011-We got a call that my grandpa only had a few weeks to a few months to live. We decided we were going to go fly to AZ on Friday, March 18. I desperately wanted him to meet our precious baby!
* Sunday, March 13-Got the call that my grandpa had passed away early that morning. Words can't convey the ache I feel in my heart as I typed those words and remember that call! We flew to AZ on the 17 for the his memorial.

Now I don't have exact dates for the next things because everything seems to be a blur.
* Around 2 months, Zachary started to be really fussy while eating. He also stopped gaining weight at the rate he should have been.
* Dr. discovered a heart murmur, which we found out is a large ASD.
* Sent to Doernbecher to run several tests to find out why he's not gaining weight. Discovered he had a diaphragmatic hernia which would need surgery to repair. Otherwise, attributed weight and feeding issues to bad reflux.
* Zachary had to get an NG feeding tube-which was horrible-endured weeks and weeks of vomiting, him pulling it out or throwing it up.
* Zachary had surgery to repair hernia and a G tube put in his stomach. Still vomiting!

Oh yeah, and I got laid off-thank you economy, Tyler's company closed so he is not working either, and we just moved.

Honestly, I don't even know if I included everything, things have just been CRAZY! Maybe in my next post I'll go in depth about some of these things. I know things could be worse, but I feel like I'm in a tornado and I'm not sure if when I get flung out of it, if I'm going to be ok.