Emotional Roller Coaster

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please don't judge.

I am a serious roller coaster these days! Z has still been vomiting about twice a day, which really sucks!! And Tyler and I are just tired and really want to get rid of the 2:30 am feeding, but we can't do that until Z is taking in enough calories in the day, which he is obviously not since he vomits at least 2 of his meals. And here's the thing with the vomiting...yes it sucks to have to watch him vomit, then clean him up (and usually one of us and anything around him), but what's really annoying is that we then have to re-feed him at least something. I know, I sound terrible that I am annoyed at having to re-feed him, but when it takes 45 minutes for his food to go in and we have to keep him entertained to try and avoid upset and vomiting, plus wait 30 minutes before changing his diaper since he usually poops while we are feeding him, the thought of having to sit through an additional round just does not sound like fun. Honestly, I have come to DREAD feeding him! I dread all things related to feeding him. (I wish I had that problem when it came to feeding myself...maybe then I'd be able to lose a few pounds.) But seriously I just hate this! So Tyler and I have been trying to figure out ways to change the amounts we feed him at each feeding to try and eliminate vomiting, which most likely means adding another feeding to the day...yippee. AHHHH...I mean what kind of mother am I, that I don't want to feed my child!?!

I've just been feeling so angry lately, at the whole situation! And all I want to do is cry about it! I have all kinds of horrible thoughts about being a mother and how I hate it, but then I think about all the people who can't have kids, who have had miscarriages, or have lost their precious babies after they were born and I become completely riddled with guilt and love for my little one all at the same time! In those moments, I just want to kick myself for ever wishing he wasn't around (and yes, I have wished that a time or two.) But I love him so much that it hurts at the same time. Talk about conflicting emotions!

Anyway, in the midst of my inner turmoil and anger, two things happened this week. First, at bible study on Tuesday, Beth Moore was talking about how each of us has an assignment from God. I realized instantly that my assignment right now is to take care of Zachary, which includes going to doctor appointments, feeding him, and cleaning up vomit. But it also includes just loving and spending time with him. This was further solidified when, after witnessing Z vomit, two friends prayed for him and Tyler and I, and in that prayer, one of them mentioned how this is my assignment and that God chose me for it. Now, I know God would not choose me for something that He knew I was going to fail at. So, while I may not have chosen this particular assignment (well not all of it), nevertheless, I have been chosen to be Zachary's mother and all that it entails, so I will try my best to do so with joy. The second thing that happened was a friend shared with me a few days/weeks ( I can't remember when) ago that the song Blessed Be Your Name was a song that she really held onto when she was going through a hard time and she suggested I look it up if I haven't heard it in a while, which I hadn't, but I didn't look it up at the time. Then I heard it on the radio the other day and I totally started crying. The lyrics that really got me were:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Ultimately, I know that things really suck right now! But I also know that the Lord is with me through this, and I do still need to praise Him, even when I don't feel like it. He has brought me through A LOT of other stuff in my life, and I KNOW He will bring me through this too! So I will praise Him, even though I feel like the darkness has closed in on us! I just need a little help sometimes, or a lot of times. Yes, I'm still angry and sad, but I will hold onto that verse "I can do all things through Christ strengthens me" (I can't think of where that verse is right now) and I will praise the Lord who will bring us through this dark time.