A new outlook

I had the wonderful opportunity to get away for a few nights by myself, thanks to my loving husband and American Express reward points =). It was such a blessing to be able to take the time by myself, which before I don't think I have EVER craved in the way I've been craving it these last few months. I am not a person who likes to be alone for long periods of time, especially a whole night, let alone 2, so it's saying something when I want to get away for two nights! I would say I was actually desperate to get away and just have some time with myself and with the Lord, who I have not been spending enough time with lately.

My faith has been tested like never before this last year (really the last 6 months) and there were quite I few times where I actually thought I might just walk away from it all together. I felt so angry with God for not coming to my rescue from all this pain-for not saving my grandpa, providing a job for Tyler, healing Zachary, allowing the sale of our home to go through...you get the picture. I've been so angry and yet at the same I always knew that He was providing for us-people brought us meals, listened to us, cried with us, hugged us, gave us money, gave of their time so we could sleep, eat, or just have a few hours away. For some reason, probably because I wasn't ever really letting Him in, those things He was doing for us, weren't making the connection to my heart all the time. I still kept wondering why He wasn't taking care of the BIG problems in our lives and when/if He was going to get around to it.
Now I don't have the answer to that question, but I do feel more connected to Him and not so concerned with the why or the when. It happened to work out perfectly that I had joined a Women's Bible study through my church and we had our first lesson the day I left for the beach. I was really excited to go because even though I have been angry with the Lord, I've also been longing for Him. I needed to find a way to let Him in again. Sure enough, this bible study is the answer.

First of all, we are studying David, which happens to be my grandpa's name, and I know that probably doesn't really mean anything, but I feel like I was meant to join this bible study this year! I didn't have any huge revelations or anything but was reminded of some important things I already knew. 1 Samuel 14:6 says " Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving whether by many or by few." The part of this verse that really got me was the NOTHING CAN HINDER THE LORD. Beth Moore talks about how nothing can hinder the Lord, but He chooses based on His sovereignty. This was powerful to me for some reason. I guess I just needed to remember that the Lord is Sovereign and while I may not understand why he chooses to act or not to act, I still can know that He is all powerful and believe that He knows best for me, and somehow that brings me comfort. The other thing that really stood out to me was that I need to be wearing the armor of God. I have not been arming myself against anything, nor have I been trusting that the Lord is leading the way and if I only follow Him, I will be okay. I need to have faith in the Lord. Believing that the Lord is all powerful and that He is leading the way and I just need to follow Him has brought me a lot of peace. I no longer feel the burden of having to figure everything out. I can rest in knowing that God is with me!!

I hope this all makes sense. We were supposed to read 1 Samuel 14:1-23, if you want to read it. It's a great passage!

A few things

I have just a few things to say tonight.

1. The feeding clinic gave us the okay to start Z on solids...YAAY! We started with bananas because they are high in calories which is what he needs, but he's not too fond of them yet. It has only been a few days so I'm trying not to worry, but prayer would be appreciated about him eating solids. Please pray he will want to eat and enjoy it so he'll continue eating! I'm anxious that he's not going to want to eat solids and then I have no idea what we will do.

2. Z seems to be having better days each day that goes by-other than some teething pain. We are having more fun with him and he just seems happier and more comfortable, which is GREAT to see!! He has been mostly vomit free...he did throw up twice the other day when he got so worked up crying and he also threw up tonight for some unknown reason. I'm hoping that it doesn't mean the vomiting is going to start up again! The GI doctor started him on this medicine called carafate, which he hates, and I'm wondering if it's because of that. I guess I'll give it a few days and see how it all goes. Prayers are appreciated in this area as well!

3. Z's new formula smells like rotten macaroni, or at least what I would assume rotten macaroni would smell like! Gross...especially when he spits it up on you or burps in your face! But it seems to be working better for him so I'll take it! Just know that I warned you if you come over and smell something funky! =)

One last thing...Tyler had a phone interview today for a job he thinks he'd enjoy, so please pray that he'll get it if it's the right job for him and where God wants him.

Blessed and Rejuvenated

This week Tyler was hired by Building Champions to shoot video at their Experience event in Suncadia, WA. Zachary and I were invited to come along and initially I was really excited. Then, after Z's surgery and all the pain and vomiting, I was really apprehensive about going. Z hasn't always done very well when we've been in a different place, and with everything else going on with him I thought it was for sure going to be a nightmare. Especially because I knew Tyler was going to be gone all day working. So, I almost said we weren't going to go and I was just going to bribe a friend to come stay with us for the week, but Tyler convinced me I should come.

All I can say is that I am glad he did! I feel SO blessed and rejuvenated after this week...the complete opposite of how I thought I would feel. First of all, the BC (Building Champions...or Ashlynn's binky) staff and family were so welcoming and loving and encouraging. I can't be around them and not feel good! I got to spend a lot of time with my friend Alli and her beautiful daughter Ashlynn, which was wonderful! Then I was spoiled by Daniel and Sheri as they first treated me to a 50 minute relaxation massage at the lodge where the event was, which was FABULOUS and SO needed, and THEN they arranged a date night for Tyler and I and they treated us to an awesome dinner where I feel like we got the VIP treatment, while Alli, Ryan, Jessica, and Melanie watched Zachary for us! It was so great and such a nice treat!!!

I came away from this week being immensely reminded of God's love through the actions and words of everyone around me! I actually am getting a little choked up as I think about how much everyone loved on us. It was such a huge blessing and something I really needed right now!

Additionally, we have THREE, yes THREE days with NO VOMITING!!! Z's doctor put him on a new plan for feeding and meds, per the GI doctor at Doernbecher, literally as we were headed off to Suncadia. We started this new plan on Tuesday and Wednesday was the last day he threw up! He is taking Nystatin for a week to heal his esophagus and we switched his formula to Similac Alimentum, which is hypoallergenic and I think that has made a huge difference-which the GI doctor thought it would! Then next week we will start him on a different medication to coat his stomach and make it tolerate food even better! All I can say is I am SOOOO happy that he is doing better. We have also gotten him off all pain meds other than Tylenol occasionally, which seems to be more for teething than anything!

So, keep praying because it is working!!! And thank you everyone at Building Champions, Alli, and everyone who signed up to bring us meals after Z's surgery! We are so blessed and thankful!!

Little Things

It's the little things that bring me peace these days. After having just moved and my baby just having surgery, my life feels chaotic and out of control. Little things like putting a sharpie in a drawer, throwing a piece of paper away, and opening a box make me happy these days.

Zachary spent the day vomiting and screaming EVERY time we tried to feed him, which was not fun! So after a day where he threw up all day and we used the last of our stockpile of burp rags, I found myself feeling at ease when I opened up the dryer and started folding the burp rags we had just washed! I was SO happy that they were clean and that I wouldn't have to worry about what we were going to use the next time he throws up. Am I sick or what?! I'll take the happiness and peace where I can get it! =)

Thankful

Tonight I am thankful! I am thankful for the family and friends that Tyler and I have been blessed with. Today was a really bad day, mainly because last night we didn't get any sleep and ended up calling the nurse advice line at around 3:45 because of Zachary's G tube making weird noises and him being incredibly fussy all night. It ended up being nothing for us to worry about it...too bad we found out so late-or should I say early? Anyway, I don't do well when I don't get enough sleep (which these days qualifies as around 4-5 hours). So, I was really depressed today and just feeling on the brink all day.

Then my mother and father-in-law invited us over for some pizza. We went over after feeding Z and Jerry (my father-in-law) was holding Z him when I noticed that his shirt was wet around where Z was pressed against him. I asked him to pull him back and we saw that Z was all wet and when I opened his onesie we found that he was leaking food from the spot where the G tube was inserted into his stomach. Naturally this freaked all of us out, so I called the advice line yet again (they probably know the sound of my voice by now) and we prepared for what we thought would be a trip to the emergency room. All the while I just kept thinking "REALLY?!!??" and I was actually laughing about it because that was all I could do to keep it together. Thankfully, the on-call surgeon-who happened to be the surgeon who put in Z's feeding tube-said that some food leakage is normal (no one mentioned this at the hospital) and for us to monitor him and the amount he was leaking over night, but that we did not need to go to the emergency room. Doctors kill me because they say things like "some leakage is normal, we just don't want too much". Well what is too much?? When I posed this question, they then said to just make sure it's not gushing out of him, only leaking. Whatever. I am just THANKFUL that we did not have to go to the ER and that since we got home and I fed him at 10:15, he has not been leaking anymore food and has been calm and asleep! I'm THANKFUL for my in-laws and how encouraging and supportive they are! And I am THANKFUL for all of you who have been praying and encouraging and SO generous with your time and money!!!! We are feeling very blessed right now! The Lord is really showing us how He is providing for us in ways we never expected! Thank you!

jinxed

I'm sitting here debating with myself about how much to put in this post. How honest should I be about how I'm feeling? I'm thinking I'll just let it flow. Sorry.

First I just want to say that I was extremely touched by some of the encouraging messages I received from different people over the past two days! I didn't realize how many people cared! And also how generous people are! So thank you for your messages and generosity...you all know who you are!

Now onto the ugly feelings! Well, it looks like I jinxed us after all. Z spent the day vomiting off and on and now doesn't want to sleep tonight. I feel like as soon as I get hopeful about something getting better, it doesn't get better. It either goes back to the way it was or gets worse. I am so sad! And I'm also mad! How long are we going to be in this tailspin? How much more is going to happen? Why can't just ONE thing go our way and get better? This feels never-ending and while I "know" that God is going to provide for us and pull us through, my heart feels devoid of Him and does not "know" this truth. This sucks!! I'd like to crawl in a cave and hibernate now.

More Pics

New Pics

Superstitious

There is something about having baby that has made me very superstitious! Like when he finally goes down to sleep, Tyler and I say to each other "Don't move or breathe and he won't wake up!" When we used to put him down at night, we each had our own way of carefully placing him in the bassinet, pausing, turning three times, walking out backwards, holding our breath, patting him once on the head, etc. just so that he would stay asleep. It was quite comical, and yet, we did it every time because we hoped that it would work.

I can't believe I dare write about this, for fear of jinxing us, but yesterday we had our first 24 hour period of NO VOMITING! Now, after the first feeding that he didn't vomit, I noticed it, obviously, but of course did not want to acknowledge it out loud for fear that he would then immediately vomit. Shortly after that first feeding, Tyler made a comment about how he was still wearing the same outfit, which was remarkable, and then I knocked on wood to ensure that he wouldn't vomit. The rest of the feedings came and went with no vomiting, and I refused to say anything out loud about it until we put him down for the night. Then Tyler and I discussed this miraculous day of no vomiting, followed by more knocking on wood.

And this morning, still no vomiting...and more knocking on wood as Tyler made a comment about it! Don't worry, we have remembered what outfit he wore yesterday so that if he does start vomiting again, we can put him in it, since obviously that must have helped. Who knew that we would be knocking on wood, holding our breath, and remembering outfits so much after having a baby?!

***Just before I posted this he did spit up on me! But at least it was not one of his vomiting episodes! Better post this now before something else happens!!

Pity Party Time

Well, I have decided to start blogging again. Mostly because I am hoping it will be therapeutic for me, but I also figure this way people can really know what's going on in our lives and who knows, maybe it will even be helpful to someone else. My goal is to write a post everyday...we'll see how that turns out. I will be wearing my heart completely on my sleeve, which means a lot of my posts these days may be pity partyesque, sorry.

As you can see from the title, this is not going to be an uplifting post. You have been doubly warned.

I'm not quite sure how to sum up this last year, other than to say we've been mostly on the downward turn of a roller coaster, with the occasional rise here and there. In order to not write a LONG post that could turn into a novel, I'm just going to bullet point the things that have been going on-starting at the very beginning of this insane roller coaster ride-and maybe whine a little at the end.

* September 2008-I got hired teaching 2nd grade at an AWESOME school.
* November 2008-Tyler got laid off from probably the BEST company he'll ever work for, due to CRAPPY economy.
* Ty looked for new job for over year, with a little blip of a job in between (lasted about 2 months).
* December 2009-Tyler got hired as a temp for an online high school doing inventory management. (Good other than the fact that they kept him as a temp for 1.5 years which meant no benefits, no raises, no promotions, no PTO...you get the picture)
* June 2010-we decided to try and short sale our 1 bedroom condo after doing the math and realizing it would take us at least 5 years to break even on our home IF the economy turned around right then-which obviously it HAS NOT!
* July 2010-found out we were pregnant with our first baby, due March 21, 2011.
* November 2010-found out my grandpa (who was like a father to me) had an extremely aggressive lung cancer.
* February 2011-doctors realized that our baby was not growing anymore and couldn't figure out why. He was in the 24th percentile of size, so doctors weren't super worried yet. Started weekly monitoring and ultrasounds.

Now, I just want to say that here is where things get crazy!

* March 2, 2011-At my ultrasound first thing that morning, the doctor found that Zachary had dropped to the 9th percentile and recommended we get him out immediately, or run the risk of him being born stillborn. SCARY!
* Thursday, March 3, 2011-Our sweet baby boy was born, completely healthy, just a little skinny. Such an amazing blessing!!
* Sunday, March 6, 2011-We got a call that my grandpa only had a few weeks to a few months to live. We decided we were going to go fly to AZ on Friday, March 18. I desperately wanted him to meet our precious baby!
* Sunday, March 13-Got the call that my grandpa had passed away early that morning. Words can't convey the ache I feel in my heart as I typed those words and remember that call! We flew to AZ on the 17 for the his memorial.

Now I don't have exact dates for the next things because everything seems to be a blur.
* Around 2 months, Zachary started to be really fussy while eating. He also stopped gaining weight at the rate he should have been.
* Dr. discovered a heart murmur, which we found out is a large ASD.
* Sent to Doernbecher to run several tests to find out why he's not gaining weight. Discovered he had a diaphragmatic hernia which would need surgery to repair. Otherwise, attributed weight and feeding issues to bad reflux.
* Zachary had to get an NG feeding tube-which was horrible-endured weeks and weeks of vomiting, him pulling it out or throwing it up.
* Zachary had surgery to repair hernia and a G tube put in his stomach. Still vomiting!

Oh yeah, and I got laid off-thank you economy, Tyler's company closed so he is not working either, and we just moved.

Honestly, I don't even know if I included everything, things have just been CRAZY! Maybe in my next post I'll go in depth about some of these things. I know things could be worse, but I feel like I'm in a tornado and I'm not sure if when I get flung out of it, if I'm going to be ok.