Becoming Me Again

As you know from my last post, I started taking Zoloft and started feeling immensely better pretty immediately. However, this last week was the first time in a LONG time that I felt like myself again! HOORAY! I seriously want to shout from the rooftops because I didn't know if I was still in there after all we've been through and the depression really had me in some sort of weird fog. But I feel good now!! And I feel like I am falling more and more in love with my sweet baby boy every day! He is growing up and for the first time the other night I thought to myself, "I don't want him to grow up". WHAT??! That is just such a foreign thought because ALL I've been thinking these last 11 months is "I can't wait for him to grow up and things to be better." Now I just look at him and feel like he is growing up SO fast and I'm wondering where the time went! I truly look forward to spending every day with him and watching the new things he is learning and doing everyday!

And here is how I know I am must be getting better. First, Zachary ends up in our bed between 12:30 and 2:30 every night and spends the remainder of the night with us. This used to drive me nuts, but now, I enjoy having him in bed with us. I guess that might sound weird, but what I mean is that I love knowing he's right next to me and snuggling with him periodically throughout the night. And while I have been thinking "He isn't going to sleep with us when he goes off to high school" and that was helping me get through, now I think the same thing but with a tone of sadness knowing that he really isn't going to want to sleep with us THAT much longer before he's all grown up. The fact that I am kind of sad about this is astonishing to me because I NEVER thought I would feel this way. One of my friends was telling me she kind of likes that her kids sleep with her, and I thought she was crazy. Well, now I am that crazy. But I'm okay with it =).

Secondly, last night was quite a night with Z! He would NOT go to sleep, and I am not exaggerating! He did not fall asleep until 10:40 and there was a lot of crying before that finally happened. Now "normally" (at least what has been my normal) I would be thinking about how much I hate him and wish he wasn't around and wondering why I ever wanted kids, but not last night. Yes, I was annoyed and frustrated, but NEVER even once did one of those thoughts cross my mind. I am REALLY excited about this, because trust me, it is no fun to think you hate your own child. It wasn't until after he had gone to sleep that it struck me that I hadn't had any bad thoughts, and I was so happy about that. It's weird to be happy about a frustrating night, but I am.

I am so happy to be getting back to myself. I have more of a sense of humor again, I feel lighthearted again, and I feel like I have more to give others. I look around me and all I see are God's blessings and I am just so thankful for what I have! I know that it is not just the medicine making me feel better, but also God's grace working in my life! My heart is full and complete in Him!