Grief

Grief is an ugly thing! Today was a gorgeous day, and instead of enjoying it, I just felt sad all day. I kept wondering why, when things with Zachary have been going so well, and then I realized that it all goes back to my grandpa's death. I think there are a number of reasons why this is happening now. When my grandpa died, it was only 10 days after Zachary was born, and all my energy attention went into caring for him. I knew at the time that I could not cope with the emotions of this loss and care for him the way I felt I needed to. Then, things got crazy with Z's health, and all of my attention still went to him. Now that things are getting better, I guess it makes sense that all of those feelings that I've been pushing away are coming back to haunt me. I knew this was coming when I started crying at the gym because they were talking about Steve Jobs' death. And how I pretty much start crying for just about EVERYTHING lately. I also think that it all has something to do with the holidays coming and the fact that it was this month only last year that he was diagnosed with cancer.

I still can't believe that he's gone. I can't believe how fast everything happened.

As many of you know, my amazingly generous and loving grandparents took me in when I was 15. They saved me from a bad situation at home and became my legal guardians, taking on all that entailed. Paying for dance classes, trips with my friends, teaching me to drive, dealing with a teenager, paying for college, paying for me wedding, walking me down the aisle at my wedding...the list could go on and on and on forever if I tried to list all that they've done for me. The most important thing they did was show me what a loving marriage looked like and what it meant to be loved and cared for. They gave me a stable home and showed me unconditional love! They gave me a good glimpse of what Christ's love must be like for us.

My grandpa was a man of integrity, generosity, and humor. I admired him so much and knew I could always count on him to be there for me. He always gave me great advice, and he could always make me laugh, even when we were talking about his cancer. I never really thought he would die from this. Of course, the second I found out what type of cancer it was, I read everything I could online, and it did not look good. But then, after talking with him, I felt like he could beat it. I feel like everyone was really optimistic, and while I had times where I was incredibly worried, a small part of me just thought he would overcome this like he was fighting his Parkinsons and like he overcame having heart surgery. So, I just can't believe this happened.

The whole time I was pregnant I just kept thinking about when he would get to meet my baby. And as Zachary got older, he would throw Zachary in the pool, carry him on his shoulders, and call him one of the 3 Stooges. He would joke around with him, but also be someone he could call when he was feeling down or needed advice about something. We would all go to Disneyland together, just like they did with all of their grandchildren. But now he is gone, and my heart is broken.

My grandpa was more than my grandpa, he was the earthly father I needed. And now all this grief is coming up, as if it just happened yesterday and I still don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to grieve and keep being a mom and wife, when all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry my eyes out. This is just so yucky!