Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who wrote me either on here or through a personal message!! I so appreciate your encouraging words and also knowing that I am not alone! I was really surprised to find out from some people that they too either have or are struggling with PPD. It's sad to me that no one talks about it, but on the other hand, I understand why no one talks about. Obviously I didn't for a long time. So I just want to say that if anyone wants to talk with me about it, I am here, understanding and non-judging!! Lots of love to all of you!!!

My darkest thoughts

Before I begin, I want to warn you that this may be upsetting to read, as I share about what I've been going through these last 10 months.
I'm not even sure where to start. I've been struggling with postpartum depression for the last 10 months. We had so much happen these last 10 months that I thought it was just a case of situational depression and grief. Through counseling, and finally being honest with myself and my therapist, we realized that it was really postpartum and that I should probably take something to help me. Since this realization, I've been taking zoloft and that has seriously helped a ton!! But for some reason, I have this need to share what it has been like. Trust me, it's not that I want to share what I've been thinking so everyone can see just how crazy I was, but I think it's because I'm mad that I've been dealing with this for so long untreated, and I can't help but think how these last 10 months could have been different had I known what I was really dealing with. And I hope that maybe this will help someone somewhere who may be going through the same sort of thing. And I also just feel like it should be talked about because it is something women struggle with, often silently. Believe me, NO ONE knew the things I was thinking and it took a long time (over 9 months to be exact) for me to even tell my therapist. So, here is my story.
You always hear about women who murder their children and it's so horrible! So when I was pregnant, Tyler and I talked about it and made a deal that if I ever had any crazy thoughts about killing Zachary, I needed to tell him, or someone right away. Well, I never had any thoughts about killing Zachary, or myself, which is what my counselor would always ask me. So, I thought I was fine. As I look back, I realize I was not fine. Had I really been honest with myself, and others, I would have gotten help much sooner! Unfortunately, so many other things happened around the same time as Zachary's birth, which made it difficult to pinpoint what exactly was going on.
The day we got home from the hospital, I couldn't stop crying, and everyone said it was normal. The next night, I was so upset I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I was throwing up! I actually thought I needed to be committed! Thanks to my mother-in-laws urging, I called the Kaiser advice line to ask what was happening and could I take anything. After making sure I wasn't going to kill myself or the baby and that I wasn't alone, they assured me I was ok, told me to take some benadryl to help me sleep, and said they would get me in touch with a counselor. The next day I felt better and thought the worst of it was over. Then I found out my grandpa only had a few weeks to live. And then he passed away 5 days later. Pretty much everything in those first few months of Zachary's life was clouded with a foggy grief. My counselor recommended I take Zoloft to help with the depression, so I hesitantly agreed, but after about a month, I decided I no longer needed it. Then Zachary started having all of his health problems. I continued counseling but didn't start taking zoloft again, and that pretty much brings us up to the present. Most of this you already knew.
Here is what people didn't know. I was extremely resentful of Zachary. I saw him as an immense burden that I didn't want. I can recall a few occasions where I told Tyler that he was ruining our life and I wanted to give him up for adoption. Of course, Tyler thought I was kidding, but in my heart I was dead serious. While I never thought about hurting him, I did have times where I wished he would die. I actually hoped he would just die in his sleep and then our lives could go back to normal. I thought I wouldn't miss him at all. (I'm seriously about to start crying as I type this, it's so horrible!) A lot of times I wished I would die. I just didn't want to live anymore. Or, I just wanted to run away and start a new life somewhere. I remember watching The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and that scene where the mom just leaves to the beach one day. She just leaves her kids and husband and goes to a hotel and sleeps so long she loses track of how many days she was there. As I watched that scene for about the 20th time, I thought to myself how I completely understood how she could do that because that's all I wanted to do, ALL THE TIME! I just wanted to run as far and as fast as I could and not look back.
I rationalized my way through every bad thought I had. I told myself it would pass and I didn't mean those thoughts. I told myself everyone has these kinds of thoughts. When it didn't pass, I started to believe that I was just a bad mom. I thought about my own mom and how she turned to alcohol and drugs and wondered if this was why. Maybe she hated being a mom too. Maybe I was just meant to be this way and I was going to have to fight against these feelings for the rest of my life. I often wondered why God would give me a child when I was clearly such a horrible mother.
Of course no one knew I was feeling this way. People would comment about how cute he is or how happy he is, and I would smile and say all the things I was supposed to say. Don't get me wrong, I love Zachary, and I loved him even when I was having these feelings. And I did have moments, which I can count on one hand, where I felt completely overpowered by my love for him, and did feel at peace with him and life. I cared for him as though everything was normal. I joined groups and participated in things, hoping I would feel more like the moms I was surrounded by. Really, I feel like I've been sort of like a zombie, just going through the motions.
There are a lot of reasons I never thought it was postpartum. Apparently I thought I was some sort of expert on the issue. Anyway, I never thought about killing myself or Z. I just wanted death to somehow happen to us, which I realize now isn't really any better. Another thing is that I do really feel like Z and I have bonded, which I assumed didn't happen when you are dealing with postpartum. I also was genuinely worried about him every time something was going on with his health and in those moments just wanted him to be ok and healthy, so clearly I didn't mean any of my thoughts about him dying.
I think the defining moment came while we were in AZ over Christmas and I was really frustrated and thinking that I hated Zachary. I was so mad and I just kept thinking how much I hated him. And then all of a sudden I realized that it is not normal to feel that way about your baby. I have no idea why it was that moment and not any one of the other numerous times I had felt that way, but something just came over me saying "this is not normal and I don't want to feel this way anymore". So I decided that when we got back I was just going to be completely honest with my therapist about my feelings and there were a few indications to her that it was postpartum. Obviously, the feelings of resentment and horrible wishes and wanting to run away all the time were some big ones to her. But another thing she pointed out was that even though Zachary was doing better, I wasn't feeling better, which is huge. I had assumed that once Zachary was not vomiting so much, things would be better and I would be happier again. Unfortunately, that was not the case. And yet another hint to her was my constant irritability. I was super irritable and would get frustrated so quickly over the smallest things. Poor Tyler having to deal with through all of this! I am a lucky girl to have married such an amazing man!!
So, there you have it. I seriously feel SO much better now that I am taking the zoloft. It is actually really amazing to me. I was really nervous about taking it, which is why I stopped taking it so quickly the first time it was prescribed. I've never had to take anything like that before and didn't want to be dependent on it. But honestly, if I am on it the rest of my life, which isn't likely, I would be fine with that. It took me feeling better to really see just how bad I was feeling all the time. I finally feel like I'm starting to be me again. I'm sorry if this was offensive or upsetting to anyone, but I really needed to share and I hope this gives other women the courage to share or at least recognize if they're going through something similar.
One last thing I want to say is that while my faith has been shaken this year, it is now on firmer ground then before. I truly believe that the Lord has been carrying me through this and protected me from even worse thoughts. He is my strength and my refuge. When I was doing my quiet time tonight, I came across this verse: 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I just felt like it was fitting given that I have been so weak, but He has made me strong and brought me through this storm. It gave me the courage I needed to write this post, because I've been debating about it for over a week now. Things are getting better and He is opening my eyes to so many things. And Zachary truly is the best little baby and I love him SO deeply and can NOT imagine my life without him in it!!! God has blessed me beyond measure and I am so glad I can finally see that!

Update

Wow, I am having a really hard time blogging. I am still having a lot of mixed feelings about a lot of things so my head just feels muddy and I'm not sure how to word what I am thinking/feeling, hence the reason for no blog post for a while. Then, I was finally working on a post about Christmas and after two days of working on it, I just deleted the whole thing and decided to just give an update on Zachary. Updating on Zachary is easy.

About a month ago, we noticed Zachary was starting to vomit more and seemed to be in more pain during and towards the end of his feeds. I figured it was his reflux and after talking with the OT and nutritionist about it, they agreed. So I emailed his pediatrician and he increased his dose of prilosec. After about a week, we hadn't seen any real improvement with the vomiting, just his pain level-which was good, but I wanted the vomiting to stop. So I decided to take him to a chiropractor who told me that patients usually see an improvement after about 4 treatments, although some see improvement right away. After the third treatment, I started to see some improvement and since the 4th treatment he hardly vomits or spits up at all-unless he is upset or gets too excited. This was a HUGE improvement and I still can't quite believe it!!

Now, I think we need to go in again because I've noticed him starting to do the coughing thing which usually leads to vomiting again. His chiropractor said we may just need to come in sometimes to get him readjusted, which is fine with me. I will literally do anything to help him stop vomiting and start eating!

So, I also took him to a naturopath today to find out how we can get him off the prilosec so his body will start to naturally do what it's supposed to do. She did this crazy test where she used me as the vehicle for some kind of energy from his stomach which told her it was not good. Now, I know this all sounds hokie, and honestly, I would be really skeptical had I not been a part of it. Anyway, she then tested him to see which natural remedies were going to help his stomach and she sent me home with two different things to try. I apologize if this all doesn't make sense, but it is really hard to describe without showing you what she did. The point is, we are going to try out these two natural treatments with the hopes of being able to wean him from the medicine. The downside is it requires us to open up these capsules before 4 of his feeds, mix them with water and give them to him before we start his feed. It's kind of a pain, but like I said, totally worth it if it helps him in the end.

Since his reflux seems to be better again, he has started eating more by mouth again which is encouraging! We see the feeding clinic again on Monday and I am curious what she will say we should try next.

Other than all this feeding stuff, oh and the fact that he hates sleep, he is a pretty happy baby who is learning to fully explore his world with his cruising/walking skills. He is keeping us on our toes as he gets faster and faster every day!

And lastly, Zachary is being dedicated at church this Sunday, which I am really excited for. For those of you who don't know, our church does baby dedications which is where the parents and baby get up in front of the church with one of our pastors so that the congregation can meet us and pray over us as parents raising our baby to be a Christ follower, and Zachary growing up to be a Christ follower. It's our way of saying we are dedicated to raising Zachary in a Christian home.

Well, I think that pretty much sums up the life of Zachary for now.

coincidence...I think not

First I just want to say thank you to all of my friends who responded to my post last night! Your answers were very helpful, and I found myself agreeing with all of them. I was pretty angry last night, but am feeling much better tonight.

Even though I really didn't want to, I sat down to do my bible study homework tonight, only to find that it spoke directly to my heart! I am sure this is not a coincidence. I'm on day 2, which is about change and Beth uses the equation Time + Conflict= Change. She explains that those two things together bring about change. David was in the middle of a war with Saul's house and as the war went on, David's army became stronger while Saul's became weaker. Beth explains that we are in the middle of our own battles all the time...and boy do I feel like I am in the middle of a battle. We battle evil, our own sinful nature, and the world. I sort of feel like I am battling all three at this particular moment in time. Anyway, she wrote about how we can come through time and conflict either weaker or stronger, and the only way to come out stronger is to lean on God. And I know she's right, and I am grateful for the reminder. I don't know what the future holds, but I am determined to come out of this battle stronger and changed for the better.

Tyler and I had a great discussion about faith tonight, and he pointed out something I didn't really want to admit, but was so true. I have been angry at God (especially these last few days/weeks) because I felt like He wasn't listening or answering our prayers. Well, first of all, a person only needs to read back a few blog posts and see what I wrote about all the ways God has been answering our prayers, which I conveniently forgot about the minute something else didn't go my way. And that's exactly the problem. I want things to go the way I want them to, when I want them to. As Tyler put it, I am a type A personality and I like to be in control and have everything planned out and then have everything go the way I planned it. And he's right. Sure, I have learned how to be more flexible (in some areas more than others). But when it comes down to it, I have been angry because God is not answering my prayers the way I think He should be answering them. But He is answering them, or at least most of them. And even though He isn't answering all of them, He is providing for our needs, which is the most important thing. I am learning not to be so bratty, and instead realize that I am not always going to get my way, but God is still there and will always meet our needs.

And so the battle wages on, but I will have faith in a God who loves me so much He sent His son to die for my sins, and I will cry out to Him and depend on Him wholeheartedly.

sins of the father

People have told me that they enjoy reading my blog because of how honest I am. Well, here is some honesty. My faith is in a very precarious state at the moment, and I have a question for anyone willing to answer. What did God mean when He said that the sins of the father will be passed down from generation to generation? Does it mean that no matter how hard I try to move past my past, to do the right thing, to be a good Christian, blah blah blah, that bad things will follow me wherever I go? And if so, then what's the point of me even trying? And I am being dead serious here! My grandma said it perfectly tonight when she said it seems like a cloud has been over our family this year, and that includes my brothers and all the crap they've had to deal with this year (although I will admit some of that is because of their own poor choices, not that it makes any easier for the rest of us to deal with).

I feel like we have had a REALLY crappy year, no, I know we have had a REALLY crappy year, that doesn't seem to be improving much. Just when it seems like things are getting better, or there is some hope of a new chapter starting, let's just say in the job arena for Tyler, for example, that hope just ends up getting crushed!! How many times can a person tolerate hope after hope being taken from them, door after door being slammed in their faces (and some MUCH more personal than others)???

Zachary has been our biggest blessing this year. Maybe that's all we can ask for. Although it would be nice to know how we are going to provide for him, but whatever.

I'm done!

Grief

Grief is an ugly thing! Today was a gorgeous day, and instead of enjoying it, I just felt sad all day. I kept wondering why, when things with Zachary have been going so well, and then I realized that it all goes back to my grandpa's death. I think there are a number of reasons why this is happening now. When my grandpa died, it was only 10 days after Zachary was born, and all my energy attention went into caring for him. I knew at the time that I could not cope with the emotions of this loss and care for him the way I felt I needed to. Then, things got crazy with Z's health, and all of my attention still went to him. Now that things are getting better, I guess it makes sense that all of those feelings that I've been pushing away are coming back to haunt me. I knew this was coming when I started crying at the gym because they were talking about Steve Jobs' death. And how I pretty much start crying for just about EVERYTHING lately. I also think that it all has something to do with the holidays coming and the fact that it was this month only last year that he was diagnosed with cancer.

I still can't believe that he's gone. I can't believe how fast everything happened.

As many of you know, my amazingly generous and loving grandparents took me in when I was 15. They saved me from a bad situation at home and became my legal guardians, taking on all that entailed. Paying for dance classes, trips with my friends, teaching me to drive, dealing with a teenager, paying for college, paying for me wedding, walking me down the aisle at my wedding...the list could go on and on and on forever if I tried to list all that they've done for me. The most important thing they did was show me what a loving marriage looked like and what it meant to be loved and cared for. They gave me a stable home and showed me unconditional love! They gave me a good glimpse of what Christ's love must be like for us.

My grandpa was a man of integrity, generosity, and humor. I admired him so much and knew I could always count on him to be there for me. He always gave me great advice, and he could always make me laugh, even when we were talking about his cancer. I never really thought he would die from this. Of course, the second I found out what type of cancer it was, I read everything I could online, and it did not look good. But then, after talking with him, I felt like he could beat it. I feel like everyone was really optimistic, and while I had times where I was incredibly worried, a small part of me just thought he would overcome this like he was fighting his Parkinsons and like he overcame having heart surgery. So, I just can't believe this happened.

The whole time I was pregnant I just kept thinking about when he would get to meet my baby. And as Zachary got older, he would throw Zachary in the pool, carry him on his shoulders, and call him one of the 3 Stooges. He would joke around with him, but also be someone he could call when he was feeling down or needed advice about something. We would all go to Disneyland together, just like they did with all of their grandchildren. But now he is gone, and my heart is broken.

My grandpa was more than my grandpa, he was the earthly father I needed. And now all this grief is coming up, as if it just happened yesterday and I still don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to grieve and keep being a mom and wife, when all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry my eyes out. This is just so yucky!

Community

I have always known that community is important. In high school, we helped the elderly in our community. In college I became a part of a community of freshmen, of college students, of Christians, of girls who liked to crochet (and do other things =)), etc. Then Tyler and I got married and realized that we needed to join a church community, which we found in River West. While it took us a while to get truly plugged in, we are happy that we did!

While I've always known how important community is, this became all the more clear when we had a baby. Here is how we have been IMMENSELY blessed through the community of our church, family, and friends:
* On three separate occasions we had meals planned and brought to us for at least a month at a time, each time! This was so helpful that I have committed to always bringing meals to families that just had babies, are dealing with a death or an illness in the family, or are just having a hard time in general!!
* We have had people send us money and gift cards, which is humbling, but was also needed and so appreciated! I don't know how we would have paid all of Z's medical bills, let alone our regular bills, without those generous people!
* We belong to an amazing community group through our church, who have been there with us through all of our different hardships and blessings this year, and have been praying for and encouraging us the entire time!! I don't know how we would have made it through this year without each of those wonderful people!
* Another community group in our church put together seven bins, each full of books and toys, and purchased a gift card for groceries for us! They knew that our sweet boy can be difficult during feedings (although that's getting better) and so they put together the bins, one for each day of the week so that he has things to entertain him that are different from our usual antics. The bins and the grocery card have been a huge help to us! Zachary just loves all the toys and books!
* We have had people reach out to us to listen and offer support, which is huge and so needed! I especially have really needed people to talk with, people who have either gone through something similar, or even just had some sort of health problems that they had to deal with. Complete strangers have reached out to me to listen, to offer advice, and encouragement and prayer! I probably would have fallen into an even darker place than I was, had I not had those amazing women to talk with!
* We have been treated to date nights and people offering to babysit. Our family especially has babysat numerous times, a fair amount of those times dealing with a baby who screamed the ENTIRE time. And they keep coming back for more!! Again, don't know what we would do without them!
* And to top it all off, we have had an OVERWHELMING number of people praying for us! I actually can't even fathom the number of people, which is amazing to me! This is the most important one of all, because I truly believe that the Lord orchestrated all of the above things!

This all just brings me to tears! I mean, yeah, we've had a hard time, and yeah, I still have crappy days and days where it is hard for me to see all these blessings. But when I re-read what I just wrote, I am so overwhelmed with God's love for me and my family!

When I look at this list, and think about all of the MANY times in the past that the Lord has protected me and provided for me, it is easy to rest in Him and know that all is going to be well. God created us to be relational beings and to be a part of communities! If you aren't a part of one, I highly recommend finding one to join! You will be so glad you did =).