My darkest thoughts

Before I begin, I want to warn you that this may be upsetting to read, as I share about what I've been going through these last 10 months.
I'm not even sure where to start. I've been struggling with postpartum depression for the last 10 months. We had so much happen these last 10 months that I thought it was just a case of situational depression and grief. Through counseling, and finally being honest with myself and my therapist, we realized that it was really postpartum and that I should probably take something to help me. Since this realization, I've been taking zoloft and that has seriously helped a ton!! But for some reason, I have this need to share what it has been like. Trust me, it's not that I want to share what I've been thinking so everyone can see just how crazy I was, but I think it's because I'm mad that I've been dealing with this for so long untreated, and I can't help but think how these last 10 months could have been different had I known what I was really dealing with. And I hope that maybe this will help someone somewhere who may be going through the same sort of thing. And I also just feel like it should be talked about because it is something women struggle with, often silently. Believe me, NO ONE knew the things I was thinking and it took a long time (over 9 months to be exact) for me to even tell my therapist. So, here is my story.
You always hear about women who murder their children and it's so horrible! So when I was pregnant, Tyler and I talked about it and made a deal that if I ever had any crazy thoughts about killing Zachary, I needed to tell him, or someone right away. Well, I never had any thoughts about killing Zachary, or myself, which is what my counselor would always ask me. So, I thought I was fine. As I look back, I realize I was not fine. Had I really been honest with myself, and others, I would have gotten help much sooner! Unfortunately, so many other things happened around the same time as Zachary's birth, which made it difficult to pinpoint what exactly was going on.
The day we got home from the hospital, I couldn't stop crying, and everyone said it was normal. The next night, I was so upset I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I was throwing up! I actually thought I needed to be committed! Thanks to my mother-in-laws urging, I called the Kaiser advice line to ask what was happening and could I take anything. After making sure I wasn't going to kill myself or the baby and that I wasn't alone, they assured me I was ok, told me to take some benadryl to help me sleep, and said they would get me in touch with a counselor. The next day I felt better and thought the worst of it was over. Then I found out my grandpa only had a few weeks to live. And then he passed away 5 days later. Pretty much everything in those first few months of Zachary's life was clouded with a foggy grief. My counselor recommended I take Zoloft to help with the depression, so I hesitantly agreed, but after about a month, I decided I no longer needed it. Then Zachary started having all of his health problems. I continued counseling but didn't start taking zoloft again, and that pretty much brings us up to the present. Most of this you already knew.
Here is what people didn't know. I was extremely resentful of Zachary. I saw him as an immense burden that I didn't want. I can recall a few occasions where I told Tyler that he was ruining our life and I wanted to give him up for adoption. Of course, Tyler thought I was kidding, but in my heart I was dead serious. While I never thought about hurting him, I did have times where I wished he would die. I actually hoped he would just die in his sleep and then our lives could go back to normal. I thought I wouldn't miss him at all. (I'm seriously about to start crying as I type this, it's so horrible!) A lot of times I wished I would die. I just didn't want to live anymore. Or, I just wanted to run away and start a new life somewhere. I remember watching The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and that scene where the mom just leaves to the beach one day. She just leaves her kids and husband and goes to a hotel and sleeps so long she loses track of how many days she was there. As I watched that scene for about the 20th time, I thought to myself how I completely understood how she could do that because that's all I wanted to do, ALL THE TIME! I just wanted to run as far and as fast as I could and not look back.
I rationalized my way through every bad thought I had. I told myself it would pass and I didn't mean those thoughts. I told myself everyone has these kinds of thoughts. When it didn't pass, I started to believe that I was just a bad mom. I thought about my own mom and how she turned to alcohol and drugs and wondered if this was why. Maybe she hated being a mom too. Maybe I was just meant to be this way and I was going to have to fight against these feelings for the rest of my life. I often wondered why God would give me a child when I was clearly such a horrible mother.
Of course no one knew I was feeling this way. People would comment about how cute he is or how happy he is, and I would smile and say all the things I was supposed to say. Don't get me wrong, I love Zachary, and I loved him even when I was having these feelings. And I did have moments, which I can count on one hand, where I felt completely overpowered by my love for him, and did feel at peace with him and life. I cared for him as though everything was normal. I joined groups and participated in things, hoping I would feel more like the moms I was surrounded by. Really, I feel like I've been sort of like a zombie, just going through the motions.
There are a lot of reasons I never thought it was postpartum. Apparently I thought I was some sort of expert on the issue. Anyway, I never thought about killing myself or Z. I just wanted death to somehow happen to us, which I realize now isn't really any better. Another thing is that I do really feel like Z and I have bonded, which I assumed didn't happen when you are dealing with postpartum. I also was genuinely worried about him every time something was going on with his health and in those moments just wanted him to be ok and healthy, so clearly I didn't mean any of my thoughts about him dying.
I think the defining moment came while we were in AZ over Christmas and I was really frustrated and thinking that I hated Zachary. I was so mad and I just kept thinking how much I hated him. And then all of a sudden I realized that it is not normal to feel that way about your baby. I have no idea why it was that moment and not any one of the other numerous times I had felt that way, but something just came over me saying "this is not normal and I don't want to feel this way anymore". So I decided that when we got back I was just going to be completely honest with my therapist about my feelings and there were a few indications to her that it was postpartum. Obviously, the feelings of resentment and horrible wishes and wanting to run away all the time were some big ones to her. But another thing she pointed out was that even though Zachary was doing better, I wasn't feeling better, which is huge. I had assumed that once Zachary was not vomiting so much, things would be better and I would be happier again. Unfortunately, that was not the case. And yet another hint to her was my constant irritability. I was super irritable and would get frustrated so quickly over the smallest things. Poor Tyler having to deal with through all of this! I am a lucky girl to have married such an amazing man!!
So, there you have it. I seriously feel SO much better now that I am taking the zoloft. It is actually really amazing to me. I was really nervous about taking it, which is why I stopped taking it so quickly the first time it was prescribed. I've never had to take anything like that before and didn't want to be dependent on it. But honestly, if I am on it the rest of my life, which isn't likely, I would be fine with that. It took me feeling better to really see just how bad I was feeling all the time. I finally feel like I'm starting to be me again. I'm sorry if this was offensive or upsetting to anyone, but I really needed to share and I hope this gives other women the courage to share or at least recognize if they're going through something similar.
One last thing I want to say is that while my faith has been shaken this year, it is now on firmer ground then before. I truly believe that the Lord has been carrying me through this and protected me from even worse thoughts. He is my strength and my refuge. When I was doing my quiet time tonight, I came across this verse: 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I just felt like it was fitting given that I have been so weak, but He has made me strong and brought me through this storm. It gave me the courage I needed to write this post, because I've been debating about it for over a week now. Things are getting better and He is opening my eyes to so many things. And Zachary truly is the best little baby and I love him SO deeply and can NOT imagine my life without him in it!!! God has blessed me beyond measure and I am so glad I can finally see that!