coincidence...I think not

First I just want to say thank you to all of my friends who responded to my post last night! Your answers were very helpful, and I found myself agreeing with all of them. I was pretty angry last night, but am feeling much better tonight.

Even though I really didn't want to, I sat down to do my bible study homework tonight, only to find that it spoke directly to my heart! I am sure this is not a coincidence. I'm on day 2, which is about change and Beth uses the equation Time + Conflict= Change. She explains that those two things together bring about change. David was in the middle of a war with Saul's house and as the war went on, David's army became stronger while Saul's became weaker. Beth explains that we are in the middle of our own battles all the time...and boy do I feel like I am in the middle of a battle. We battle evil, our own sinful nature, and the world. I sort of feel like I am battling all three at this particular moment in time. Anyway, she wrote about how we can come through time and conflict either weaker or stronger, and the only way to come out stronger is to lean on God. And I know she's right, and I am grateful for the reminder. I don't know what the future holds, but I am determined to come out of this battle stronger and changed for the better.

Tyler and I had a great discussion about faith tonight, and he pointed out something I didn't really want to admit, but was so true. I have been angry at God (especially these last few days/weeks) because I felt like He wasn't listening or answering our prayers. Well, first of all, a person only needs to read back a few blog posts and see what I wrote about all the ways God has been answering our prayers, which I conveniently forgot about the minute something else didn't go my way. And that's exactly the problem. I want things to go the way I want them to, when I want them to. As Tyler put it, I am a type A personality and I like to be in control and have everything planned out and then have everything go the way I planned it. And he's right. Sure, I have learned how to be more flexible (in some areas more than others). But when it comes down to it, I have been angry because God is not answering my prayers the way I think He should be answering them. But He is answering them, or at least most of them. And even though He isn't answering all of them, He is providing for our needs, which is the most important thing. I am learning not to be so bratty, and instead realize that I am not always going to get my way, but God is still there and will always meet our needs.

And so the battle wages on, but I will have faith in a God who loves me so much He sent His son to die for my sins, and I will cry out to Him and depend on Him wholeheartedly.

sins of the father

People have told me that they enjoy reading my blog because of how honest I am. Well, here is some honesty. My faith is in a very precarious state at the moment, and I have a question for anyone willing to answer. What did God mean when He said that the sins of the father will be passed down from generation to generation? Does it mean that no matter how hard I try to move past my past, to do the right thing, to be a good Christian, blah blah blah, that bad things will follow me wherever I go? And if so, then what's the point of me even trying? And I am being dead serious here! My grandma said it perfectly tonight when she said it seems like a cloud has been over our family this year, and that includes my brothers and all the crap they've had to deal with this year (although I will admit some of that is because of their own poor choices, not that it makes any easier for the rest of us to deal with).

I feel like we have had a REALLY crappy year, no, I know we have had a REALLY crappy year, that doesn't seem to be improving much. Just when it seems like things are getting better, or there is some hope of a new chapter starting, let's just say in the job arena for Tyler, for example, that hope just ends up getting crushed!! How many times can a person tolerate hope after hope being taken from them, door after door being slammed in their faces (and some MUCH more personal than others)???

Zachary has been our biggest blessing this year. Maybe that's all we can ask for. Although it would be nice to know how we are going to provide for him, but whatever.

I'm done!

Grief

Grief is an ugly thing! Today was a gorgeous day, and instead of enjoying it, I just felt sad all day. I kept wondering why, when things with Zachary have been going so well, and then I realized that it all goes back to my grandpa's death. I think there are a number of reasons why this is happening now. When my grandpa died, it was only 10 days after Zachary was born, and all my energy attention went into caring for him. I knew at the time that I could not cope with the emotions of this loss and care for him the way I felt I needed to. Then, things got crazy with Z's health, and all of my attention still went to him. Now that things are getting better, I guess it makes sense that all of those feelings that I've been pushing away are coming back to haunt me. I knew this was coming when I started crying at the gym because they were talking about Steve Jobs' death. And how I pretty much start crying for just about EVERYTHING lately. I also think that it all has something to do with the holidays coming and the fact that it was this month only last year that he was diagnosed with cancer.

I still can't believe that he's gone. I can't believe how fast everything happened.

As many of you know, my amazingly generous and loving grandparents took me in when I was 15. They saved me from a bad situation at home and became my legal guardians, taking on all that entailed. Paying for dance classes, trips with my friends, teaching me to drive, dealing with a teenager, paying for college, paying for me wedding, walking me down the aisle at my wedding...the list could go on and on and on forever if I tried to list all that they've done for me. The most important thing they did was show me what a loving marriage looked like and what it meant to be loved and cared for. They gave me a stable home and showed me unconditional love! They gave me a good glimpse of what Christ's love must be like for us.

My grandpa was a man of integrity, generosity, and humor. I admired him so much and knew I could always count on him to be there for me. He always gave me great advice, and he could always make me laugh, even when we were talking about his cancer. I never really thought he would die from this. Of course, the second I found out what type of cancer it was, I read everything I could online, and it did not look good. But then, after talking with him, I felt like he could beat it. I feel like everyone was really optimistic, and while I had times where I was incredibly worried, a small part of me just thought he would overcome this like he was fighting his Parkinsons and like he overcame having heart surgery. So, I just can't believe this happened.

The whole time I was pregnant I just kept thinking about when he would get to meet my baby. And as Zachary got older, he would throw Zachary in the pool, carry him on his shoulders, and call him one of the 3 Stooges. He would joke around with him, but also be someone he could call when he was feeling down or needed advice about something. We would all go to Disneyland together, just like they did with all of their grandchildren. But now he is gone, and my heart is broken.

My grandpa was more than my grandpa, he was the earthly father I needed. And now all this grief is coming up, as if it just happened yesterday and I still don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to grieve and keep being a mom and wife, when all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry my eyes out. This is just so yucky!

Community

I have always known that community is important. In high school, we helped the elderly in our community. In college I became a part of a community of freshmen, of college students, of Christians, of girls who liked to crochet (and do other things =)), etc. Then Tyler and I got married and realized that we needed to join a church community, which we found in River West. While it took us a while to get truly plugged in, we are happy that we did!

While I've always known how important community is, this became all the more clear when we had a baby. Here is how we have been IMMENSELY blessed through the community of our church, family, and friends:
* On three separate occasions we had meals planned and brought to us for at least a month at a time, each time! This was so helpful that I have committed to always bringing meals to families that just had babies, are dealing with a death or an illness in the family, or are just having a hard time in general!!
* We have had people send us money and gift cards, which is humbling, but was also needed and so appreciated! I don't know how we would have paid all of Z's medical bills, let alone our regular bills, without those generous people!
* We belong to an amazing community group through our church, who have been there with us through all of our different hardships and blessings this year, and have been praying for and encouraging us the entire time!! I don't know how we would have made it through this year without each of those wonderful people!
* Another community group in our church put together seven bins, each full of books and toys, and purchased a gift card for groceries for us! They knew that our sweet boy can be difficult during feedings (although that's getting better) and so they put together the bins, one for each day of the week so that he has things to entertain him that are different from our usual antics. The bins and the grocery card have been a huge help to us! Zachary just loves all the toys and books!
* We have had people reach out to us to listen and offer support, which is huge and so needed! I especially have really needed people to talk with, people who have either gone through something similar, or even just had some sort of health problems that they had to deal with. Complete strangers have reached out to me to listen, to offer advice, and encouragement and prayer! I probably would have fallen into an even darker place than I was, had I not had those amazing women to talk with!
* We have been treated to date nights and people offering to babysit. Our family especially has babysat numerous times, a fair amount of those times dealing with a baby who screamed the ENTIRE time. And they keep coming back for more!! Again, don't know what we would do without them!
* And to top it all off, we have had an OVERWHELMING number of people praying for us! I actually can't even fathom the number of people, which is amazing to me! This is the most important one of all, because I truly believe that the Lord orchestrated all of the above things!

This all just brings me to tears! I mean, yeah, we've had a hard time, and yeah, I still have crappy days and days where it is hard for me to see all these blessings. But when I re-read what I just wrote, I am so overwhelmed with God's love for me and my family!

When I look at this list, and think about all of the MANY times in the past that the Lord has protected me and provided for me, it is easy to rest in Him and know that all is going to be well. God created us to be relational beings and to be a part of communities! If you aren't a part of one, I highly recommend finding one to join! You will be so glad you did =).

Update

So the good news is that Zachary is still keeping his food down, which we are obviously thrilled about. The other news (apparently not bad) is that he has not gained any weight since we made the changes to his diet. I was bummed by this, but the occupational therapist at the feeding clinic at Doernbecher (who we saw today) said not to worry, that it is good he hasn't lost weight and he still looks good on the growth curve, which sort of starts to even out instead of the incline we have been on. So, I am trying not to freak out about it. Interestingly enough, today is the day that Tyler and I had already decided to increase each feeding by half an oz to see how well he would tolerate it. So far so good! Which means we will be getting more calories in, so hopefully he will start to gain again.

The purpose of our appointment today was to try and find out how to help Zachary eat because he hasn't been terribly interested. The occupational therapist brought in a few different types of foods that we hadn't tried yet, like yogurt, berry applesauce, blended peaches (different than baby food), and graham crackers. Zachary actually ate more than he has ever eaten for us, which was very exciting. However, the OT noticed the same gagging that we noticed after he has swallowed a few bites, and said that she thinks we need to do a swallow study so we can really see what's going on. It could be just a sensitivity thing, or it could be something else. In order for us to best help him, we need to know what is truly going on. So, he is scheduled for a swallow study on Nov. 22, and then we will meet with the whole feeding clinic/developmental team to discuss the findings and what our next steps will be.

We really like the OT that we are working with up there and are hopeful that she will be able to help get Zachary eating more and more by mouth! I am trusting that the Lord will continue to heal Z and give the team wisdom on how best to help our precious boy! As more and more of his personality is shining through, I am just SO excited to see what God has planned for him!

Perspective

Zachary has been doing amazing this last week and half, since we switched his formula back to Similac Sensitive. I am so grateful that he is not vomiting anymore (well only every once in a while)! So maybe it's because he is doing better, but I have recently been able to really put our lives and his health into perspective and I just have to say, I have never felt more blessed!

Yes, vomiting sucks, and of course, I wish Zachary would eat by mouth (which I think will come along with time), but in reality, those are small things compared to what we could be dealing with. I have had several people share stories with me of different children and their health problems, and I am just amazed at their strength and ability to deal with it. For some reason, this last week, it just all became clear to me how lucky we are to have our sweet baby boy and that these things we are dealing with will go away. I know that the Lord is continuing to heal him, which just makes me even more grateful!! I believe that God is going to do amazing things through our sweet boy and I can't wait to see what they are! My heart is completely full right now, and I have the Lord to thank!

Healing

I'm not really sure how to start this blog entry. The subject of healing is something I have recently felt heavily put on my heart to blog about. However, I feel like I am lacking in faith and really should not be blogging about this topic, especially because I am feeling conflicted about it. I guess I'll just start.

I believe that God has healed and is continuing to heal Zachary! I believe He has healed him from whatever was causing the excessive vomiting, and He is continuing to heal his feeding issues and his heart. There are several events that led to me believing this and then feeling led to actually say that I believe God healed him, which I strongly do, but which is also scary for me to say to the world (I'll explain why later).

Here's what happened this last week. As you know, the GI doctor had us start Z on terrible formula that made him vomit all the time. What I didn't write about was how I was connected with three amazing women this last week, two of whom spoke to me about healing. One in particular shared some amazing stories about her son and daughter being healed and the power that God has to heal. She gave me some interesting things to think about, and she prayed for Zachary while we were on the phone, and told me she would continue to pray for him. Now, since I am a Christian, I know that God can and does heal people. There are numerous accounts of it in the Bible, and I have heard many miraculous stories about loved ones being healed. I have obviously been praying the God would heal Zachary, but not in a "I know you actually can do this" kind of way, if that makes any sense. I guess I was praying and hoping that He would heal him, but not actually thinking He would. I wasn't doing this consciously, and it wasn't until after that conversation on the phone that I realized it. Anyway, the next thing that happened is that some of our best friends from college were here visiting and we got to spend an afternoon/evening with them. These friends happened to just have had a healing service at the church the week before they came, so we were able to talk about it just a little bit, which just fueled my thoughts about healing. After I finished his last feeding while we were there, our friends mom (who is just so wonderful!!!) offered to rock Z for a while, and the whole time she was rocking she was praying over him. He was screaming terribly (separation anxiety), so we decided it was probably time to head home, and all of our friends and their family came in and prayed over Z and us. Zachary did not vomit after that last feeding, which is remarkable because usually even just a little fussiness can cause him to vomit.

Saturday came around and we were still giving the formula a try, until he puked up every meal he had that day and Tyler and had just had it and went back to the similac sensitive, which I think I wrote about in my last post. He has not been vomiting like he was (he did once yesterday, none today). The GI doctor called me on Monday night and wanted to know how she could help. I told her we didn't need her to do anything because we stopped the neocate and put him back on similac sensitive (skipping the Alimentum entirely) and he has basically stopped vomiting. To which she replied, "Well I can't explain that. It's actually really dangerous to put a baby who is vomiting that much on similac sensitive." Now, I have no idea why it could have been dangerous when he was already vomiting up every meal anyway, but whatever. That statement just made me think even more that God healed him. I mean, we had him on similac senstive before and he was vomiting, so I don't see why now he would all of a sudden stop vomiting when we put him back on it. I believe God fixed whatever problem he was having.

Now here's what is hard for me about healing and why it is hard for me to have faith in healing...God did not heal my grandpa. I am really struggling with this and I would say I am definitely a little angry about it. I mean why didn't He? He could have, and I know that, but He didn't. And I think about other people who are suffering from various illnesses or who have lost loved ones as well, and I wonder, why not heal them?

And I didn't want to blog about this because then I started thinking, "well what if God didn't heal him, and he starts vomiting again tomorrow?" Then people will think I am crazy, or worse, I fear that they will start to doubt God because I said something and then it ended up not being true. Oh my gosh, I could round and round with this, but ultimately, I decided to go with my gut, and after prayer, decided that I do believe God has healed Zachary and that I should share those thoughts. I don't know what it means if he starts vomiting again, but I'm not going to go there until/if he does. But I know this, Satan doesn't want to us to believe God can and does heal, and he certainly doesn't want us to share when God does those things in our lives, which is where I believe all the doubts come into play. And as far as why God didn't heal my grandpa, I will probably never know, and that is just something I am going to have to learn to accept. God is so much bigger than me, and has done so much for me, who am I to even ask Him why He does or doesn't do something? God sees the whole picture, while I only see a tiny fragment, so I am going to trust Him and believe in Him and the good He does in our lives. God loves me and my family, just as I know He loved my grandpa. So I am going to try and find peace in knowing that my grandpa is in a better place, where there is no suffering, and be thankful for the healing He is doing in my son's life.

If any of this is just out of line, or doesn't make sense, please feel free to email me or call me or something. I guess I'm just trying to hash out all of my feelings about the subject, and if anyone has insight into the subject, I am all ears (or eyes) =).