Big News

As you know, we have not used Zachary's feeding tube for about 4-5 weeks now. Initially, the doctors said we could possibly get his tube out this fall. Then it changed to this summer. And now, it is the end of this month!!! I can hardly believe it! All of his doctors feel that he has been doing so well with his eating and gaining weight that we can take his tube sooner than anyone expected. This is partially because we are pushing for it because we want it to be out by the time we go to California next month, but it is largely because he has been doing so well! No one anticipated him taking to eating the way he has!! His feeding therapist said this is the fastest tube weaning she has ever seen. She has also said many times that he does not seem like a kid who needs a feeding tube. Obviously we are thrilled about this decision, but I also have a little anxiety about it all. When I heard the message from his pediatrician I couldn't believe it. And as I think about the prospect of taking it out, I feel happy and scared all at once. The "what if's" have entered my mind, as they often like to do. What if he stops eating and then we can't take it out after all? What if we take out and then he stops eating? What if it doesn't heal well? I know that this is completely in God's hands and that whatever happens, it will be His will. So I am trusting that and praying that Z will continue to eat well, that the tube removal goes well, and that he continues from this point forward as a healthy, normal toddler. Your prayers would definitely be appreciated too. We will keep everyone updated! God has been doing amazing things in our lives and I am just so grateful and excited to see what His plans are for our family!

Eating, eating, eating

Our days are filled with thoughts about eating. When is it time for Zachary to eat next? How much did he eat at his last meal? What should he eat for this meal/snack? How many calories has he eaten so far. It is pretty funny how much time I spend thinking about eating during the day, but I LOVE it! I LOVE that he is eating all of his food orally, he is NOT vomiting anymore, and he is gaining weight! I will count calories every day for the rest of his life if I have to, just as long as he continues doing so well! We have had a few days where he wasn't particularly interested in eating, but he was teething, and even with that, still managed to consume enough calories. And then we have days like today where he eats a ton, and then after his bath he was doing the sign for hungry so he ate some more!! I feel like words can't express how excited I am about how well he is doing! If he continues doing this well, we are looking at getting the tube taken out at the end of June! WOO-HOO! Definitely keep us in your prayers that this will happen =).

It's been awhile...

I have been REALLY bad about blogging lately...sorry! Here's a quick little update for ya'll =)

Zachary has been taking in ALL of his food by mouth for over 2 weeks now. As long as he continues to do so and is gaining/maintaining his weight, we will be able to get the tube taken out in 2-3 months!! Obviously, this has been a HUGE blessing and so wonderful for Zachary and us! He is really enjoying eating and he isn't vomiting anymore! It has truly been amazing and we are SOOOO thankful that he is doing so well.

Tyler is working on his new business, Tyler Colson Media, which he is really enjoying. He's been networking and getting good feedback from some of his friends and former co-workers. We both feel very hopeful about this new venture and how it will provide for our family! He makes AMAZING videos if you or you're company is interested =)

I started selling Mary Kay which has been a lot of fun for me. I LOVE Mary Kay and have been enjoying having something else to focus some of my energy on, but still being able to be home with my sweet baby boy! It has already brought in some extra money for our family and I feel confident that this will continue to grow as I learn more and meet more people who like Mary Kay =).

All around we really feel like we have entered into a new season of life and are seeing God's hand working all around us. We are so thankful to be out of the storm and moving on to better things!

Becoming Me Again

As you know from my last post, I started taking Zoloft and started feeling immensely better pretty immediately. However, this last week was the first time in a LONG time that I felt like myself again! HOORAY! I seriously want to shout from the rooftops because I didn't know if I was still in there after all we've been through and the depression really had me in some sort of weird fog. But I feel good now!! And I feel like I am falling more and more in love with my sweet baby boy every day! He is growing up and for the first time the other night I thought to myself, "I don't want him to grow up". WHAT??! That is just such a foreign thought because ALL I've been thinking these last 11 months is "I can't wait for him to grow up and things to be better." Now I just look at him and feel like he is growing up SO fast and I'm wondering where the time went! I truly look forward to spending every day with him and watching the new things he is learning and doing everyday!

And here is how I know I am must be getting better. First, Zachary ends up in our bed between 12:30 and 2:30 every night and spends the remainder of the night with us. This used to drive me nuts, but now, I enjoy having him in bed with us. I guess that might sound weird, but what I mean is that I love knowing he's right next to me and snuggling with him periodically throughout the night. And while I have been thinking "He isn't going to sleep with us when he goes off to high school" and that was helping me get through, now I think the same thing but with a tone of sadness knowing that he really isn't going to want to sleep with us THAT much longer before he's all grown up. The fact that I am kind of sad about this is astonishing to me because I NEVER thought I would feel this way. One of my friends was telling me she kind of likes that her kids sleep with her, and I thought she was crazy. Well, now I am that crazy. But I'm okay with it =).

Secondly, last night was quite a night with Z! He would NOT go to sleep, and I am not exaggerating! He did not fall asleep until 10:40 and there was a lot of crying before that finally happened. Now "normally" (at least what has been my normal) I would be thinking about how much I hate him and wish he wasn't around and wondering why I ever wanted kids, but not last night. Yes, I was annoyed and frustrated, but NEVER even once did one of those thoughts cross my mind. I am REALLY excited about this, because trust me, it is no fun to think you hate your own child. It wasn't until after he had gone to sleep that it struck me that I hadn't had any bad thoughts, and I was so happy about that. It's weird to be happy about a frustrating night, but I am.

I am so happy to be getting back to myself. I have more of a sense of humor again, I feel lighthearted again, and I feel like I have more to give others. I look around me and all I see are God's blessings and I am just so thankful for what I have! I know that it is not just the medicine making me feel better, but also God's grace working in my life! My heart is full and complete in Him!

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who wrote me either on here or through a personal message!! I so appreciate your encouraging words and also knowing that I am not alone! I was really surprised to find out from some people that they too either have or are struggling with PPD. It's sad to me that no one talks about it, but on the other hand, I understand why no one talks about. Obviously I didn't for a long time. So I just want to say that if anyone wants to talk with me about it, I am here, understanding and non-judging!! Lots of love to all of you!!!

My darkest thoughts

Before I begin, I want to warn you that this may be upsetting to read, as I share about what I've been going through these last 10 months.
I'm not even sure where to start. I've been struggling with postpartum depression for the last 10 months. We had so much happen these last 10 months that I thought it was just a case of situational depression and grief. Through counseling, and finally being honest with myself and my therapist, we realized that it was really postpartum and that I should probably take something to help me. Since this realization, I've been taking zoloft and that has seriously helped a ton!! But for some reason, I have this need to share what it has been like. Trust me, it's not that I want to share what I've been thinking so everyone can see just how crazy I was, but I think it's because I'm mad that I've been dealing with this for so long untreated, and I can't help but think how these last 10 months could have been different had I known what I was really dealing with. And I hope that maybe this will help someone somewhere who may be going through the same sort of thing. And I also just feel like it should be talked about because it is something women struggle with, often silently. Believe me, NO ONE knew the things I was thinking and it took a long time (over 9 months to be exact) for me to even tell my therapist. So, here is my story.
You always hear about women who murder their children and it's so horrible! So when I was pregnant, Tyler and I talked about it and made a deal that if I ever had any crazy thoughts about killing Zachary, I needed to tell him, or someone right away. Well, I never had any thoughts about killing Zachary, or myself, which is what my counselor would always ask me. So, I thought I was fine. As I look back, I realize I was not fine. Had I really been honest with myself, and others, I would have gotten help much sooner! Unfortunately, so many other things happened around the same time as Zachary's birth, which made it difficult to pinpoint what exactly was going on.
The day we got home from the hospital, I couldn't stop crying, and everyone said it was normal. The next night, I was so upset I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I was throwing up! I actually thought I needed to be committed! Thanks to my mother-in-laws urging, I called the Kaiser advice line to ask what was happening and could I take anything. After making sure I wasn't going to kill myself or the baby and that I wasn't alone, they assured me I was ok, told me to take some benadryl to help me sleep, and said they would get me in touch with a counselor. The next day I felt better and thought the worst of it was over. Then I found out my grandpa only had a few weeks to live. And then he passed away 5 days later. Pretty much everything in those first few months of Zachary's life was clouded with a foggy grief. My counselor recommended I take Zoloft to help with the depression, so I hesitantly agreed, but after about a month, I decided I no longer needed it. Then Zachary started having all of his health problems. I continued counseling but didn't start taking zoloft again, and that pretty much brings us up to the present. Most of this you already knew.
Here is what people didn't know. I was extremely resentful of Zachary. I saw him as an immense burden that I didn't want. I can recall a few occasions where I told Tyler that he was ruining our life and I wanted to give him up for adoption. Of course, Tyler thought I was kidding, but in my heart I was dead serious. While I never thought about hurting him, I did have times where I wished he would die. I actually hoped he would just die in his sleep and then our lives could go back to normal. I thought I wouldn't miss him at all. (I'm seriously about to start crying as I type this, it's so horrible!) A lot of times I wished I would die. I just didn't want to live anymore. Or, I just wanted to run away and start a new life somewhere. I remember watching The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and that scene where the mom just leaves to the beach one day. She just leaves her kids and husband and goes to a hotel and sleeps so long she loses track of how many days she was there. As I watched that scene for about the 20th time, I thought to myself how I completely understood how she could do that because that's all I wanted to do, ALL THE TIME! I just wanted to run as far and as fast as I could and not look back.
I rationalized my way through every bad thought I had. I told myself it would pass and I didn't mean those thoughts. I told myself everyone has these kinds of thoughts. When it didn't pass, I started to believe that I was just a bad mom. I thought about my own mom and how she turned to alcohol and drugs and wondered if this was why. Maybe she hated being a mom too. Maybe I was just meant to be this way and I was going to have to fight against these feelings for the rest of my life. I often wondered why God would give me a child when I was clearly such a horrible mother.
Of course no one knew I was feeling this way. People would comment about how cute he is or how happy he is, and I would smile and say all the things I was supposed to say. Don't get me wrong, I love Zachary, and I loved him even when I was having these feelings. And I did have moments, which I can count on one hand, where I felt completely overpowered by my love for him, and did feel at peace with him and life. I cared for him as though everything was normal. I joined groups and participated in things, hoping I would feel more like the moms I was surrounded by. Really, I feel like I've been sort of like a zombie, just going through the motions.
There are a lot of reasons I never thought it was postpartum. Apparently I thought I was some sort of expert on the issue. Anyway, I never thought about killing myself or Z. I just wanted death to somehow happen to us, which I realize now isn't really any better. Another thing is that I do really feel like Z and I have bonded, which I assumed didn't happen when you are dealing with postpartum. I also was genuinely worried about him every time something was going on with his health and in those moments just wanted him to be ok and healthy, so clearly I didn't mean any of my thoughts about him dying.
I think the defining moment came while we were in AZ over Christmas and I was really frustrated and thinking that I hated Zachary. I was so mad and I just kept thinking how much I hated him. And then all of a sudden I realized that it is not normal to feel that way about your baby. I have no idea why it was that moment and not any one of the other numerous times I had felt that way, but something just came over me saying "this is not normal and I don't want to feel this way anymore". So I decided that when we got back I was just going to be completely honest with my therapist about my feelings and there were a few indications to her that it was postpartum. Obviously, the feelings of resentment and horrible wishes and wanting to run away all the time were some big ones to her. But another thing she pointed out was that even though Zachary was doing better, I wasn't feeling better, which is huge. I had assumed that once Zachary was not vomiting so much, things would be better and I would be happier again. Unfortunately, that was not the case. And yet another hint to her was my constant irritability. I was super irritable and would get frustrated so quickly over the smallest things. Poor Tyler having to deal with through all of this! I am a lucky girl to have married such an amazing man!!
So, there you have it. I seriously feel SO much better now that I am taking the zoloft. It is actually really amazing to me. I was really nervous about taking it, which is why I stopped taking it so quickly the first time it was prescribed. I've never had to take anything like that before and didn't want to be dependent on it. But honestly, if I am on it the rest of my life, which isn't likely, I would be fine with that. It took me feeling better to really see just how bad I was feeling all the time. I finally feel like I'm starting to be me again. I'm sorry if this was offensive or upsetting to anyone, but I really needed to share and I hope this gives other women the courage to share or at least recognize if they're going through something similar.
One last thing I want to say is that while my faith has been shaken this year, it is now on firmer ground then before. I truly believe that the Lord has been carrying me through this and protected me from even worse thoughts. He is my strength and my refuge. When I was doing my quiet time tonight, I came across this verse: 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I just felt like it was fitting given that I have been so weak, but He has made me strong and brought me through this storm. It gave me the courage I needed to write this post, because I've been debating about it for over a week now. Things are getting better and He is opening my eyes to so many things. And Zachary truly is the best little baby and I love him SO deeply and can NOT imagine my life without him in it!!! God has blessed me beyond measure and I am so glad I can finally see that!

Update

Wow, I am having a really hard time blogging. I am still having a lot of mixed feelings about a lot of things so my head just feels muddy and I'm not sure how to word what I am thinking/feeling, hence the reason for no blog post for a while. Then, I was finally working on a post about Christmas and after two days of working on it, I just deleted the whole thing and decided to just give an update on Zachary. Updating on Zachary is easy.

About a month ago, we noticed Zachary was starting to vomit more and seemed to be in more pain during and towards the end of his feeds. I figured it was his reflux and after talking with the OT and nutritionist about it, they agreed. So I emailed his pediatrician and he increased his dose of prilosec. After about a week, we hadn't seen any real improvement with the vomiting, just his pain level-which was good, but I wanted the vomiting to stop. So I decided to take him to a chiropractor who told me that patients usually see an improvement after about 4 treatments, although some see improvement right away. After the third treatment, I started to see some improvement and since the 4th treatment he hardly vomits or spits up at all-unless he is upset or gets too excited. This was a HUGE improvement and I still can't quite believe it!!

Now, I think we need to go in again because I've noticed him starting to do the coughing thing which usually leads to vomiting again. His chiropractor said we may just need to come in sometimes to get him readjusted, which is fine with me. I will literally do anything to help him stop vomiting and start eating!

So, I also took him to a naturopath today to find out how we can get him off the prilosec so his body will start to naturally do what it's supposed to do. She did this crazy test where she used me as the vehicle for some kind of energy from his stomach which told her it was not good. Now, I know this all sounds hokie, and honestly, I would be really skeptical had I not been a part of it. Anyway, she then tested him to see which natural remedies were going to help his stomach and she sent me home with two different things to try. I apologize if this all doesn't make sense, but it is really hard to describe without showing you what she did. The point is, we are going to try out these two natural treatments with the hopes of being able to wean him from the medicine. The downside is it requires us to open up these capsules before 4 of his feeds, mix them with water and give them to him before we start his feed. It's kind of a pain, but like I said, totally worth it if it helps him in the end.

Since his reflux seems to be better again, he has started eating more by mouth again which is encouraging! We see the feeding clinic again on Monday and I am curious what she will say we should try next.

Other than all this feeding stuff, oh and the fact that he hates sleep, he is a pretty happy baby who is learning to fully explore his world with his cruising/walking skills. He is keeping us on our toes as he gets faster and faster every day!

And lastly, Zachary is being dedicated at church this Sunday, which I am really excited for. For those of you who don't know, our church does baby dedications which is where the parents and baby get up in front of the church with one of our pastors so that the congregation can meet us and pray over us as parents raising our baby to be a Christ follower, and Zachary growing up to be a Christ follower. It's our way of saying we are dedicated to raising Zachary in a Christian home.

Well, I think that pretty much sums up the life of Zachary for now.